


Ouran High School Mafia

by Can_o_tuna_balism, Idiot_the_Jerk, Jeenius_the_Dork



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: BTS references, Drugs, Honey is a total crack head, No One Is Sorry, Overwatch References, People get shot, all of them will probably be by Jeenius, garbage side chapters have become a thing, holy shit all the references, it will be a bit OOC, just a bit, learning and sburbing references., lots of swearing, mafia, reference to Black Butler, reference to Girl's Generation, reference to Octopimp, reference to lots of other shit i'm too lazy to tag, there will eventually be a drinking game, this shit is dank, why do people even read this?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 04:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6688975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Can_o_tuna_balism/pseuds/Can_o_tuna_balism, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idiot_the_Jerk/pseuds/Idiot_the_Jerk, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeenius_the_Dork/pseuds/Jeenius_the_Dork
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tamaki is the leader of a Mafia that fronts as a Host Club. Kyoya is his extremely whipped side-bitch who's in charge of finances for the group. The twins are pimps, Mori is a hitman/bodyguard, and Honey is their coked up drug dealer. You're welcome.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kiss, Kiss, Snort Some Coke

**Author's Note:**

> All the characters for Ouran High School Host Club, as well as their story, belong to the creators of the anime and manga. We do not own any of this. 
> 
> Also, the "Author's Notes" (indicated by "AN") are comments made by the other author (i.e. the person who did not write the chapter).
> 
> Almost 100% sure I misspelled Kyoya's name, but I'm too lazy to go back and change it.... sorry...
> 
> Finally, this chapter was written by theClassiestLesbian. My cowriter will be writing the next chapter.

Location: Warehouse #420, Japan

Purpose: A meeting of the utmost secrecy that I shall tell you about in a second. (Why, you might ask, is it a secret? Well, good question. No one really knows).

 

A light comes on, shining down through the rafters of the warehouse. The light forms an extremely convenient spotlight.

 

You hold your breath… _What’s going to happen?_

 

Before you can think to answer that question, a blonde dork sashays into the extremely convenient spotlight. His name? Tamaki Suoh.

 

Enter. The Host Club.

  


“My name is Tamaki Suoh!” The blonde standing in the _extremely_ _convenient_ spotlight says. He’s wearing a neatly pressed suit and, as you watch, dumbfounded, he pulls a rose out of god knows where and hands it to you. “Welcome to our Host Club! I never expected anyone as beautiful as you to be joining us today! Well… if I had known, I would have been better prepared to give you the best service a person as lovely as you could possibly ask for, _my love_.”

 

He whispers those last two words into your ear and bats his eyelids and you swear there are flower petals floating in the air around him like a halo.

 

“Uhhhh… Tamaki? Who are you talking to?” A ginger haired guy asks. He is standing next to another ginger haired guy. They’re identical. From their looks, you decide that they are probably the mischievous type.

 

The other twin whispers, just loud enough for Tamaki to hear, “I think the Boss is finally losing it….”

 

“I’ll show you losing it!” Tamaki breaks his cheerful character to loom menacingly over the twins.

 

“I say, Tamaki, is that any way to act in front of our esteemed guest?” A bespectacled guy steps out of the shadows. He adjusts his glasses and they glint threateningly in the light cast by the **extremely convenient** spotlight. You get the feeling that, although he might seem friendly enough, he’s probably a humongous prick….

 

“Seriously, what’s he talking about?” One twin whispers. The other shrugs and says, “What’d you expect from Kyoya?”

 

Tamaki and Kyoya, the prick with glasses, both glare at the twins as if they’re about to whoop some serious ass. Before they can, though, a cough from the shadows interrupts them.

 

The cough is deep. It sounds like it belongs to a very tall, mature male. You are surprised when your eyes have to drop down to view a very short, very immature looking boy. He is clutching a pink, stuffed bunny in his arms. As he glares up at the four guys who are already standing in the Extremely Convenient spotlight with what looks like the promise of death in his eyes, he asks the bunny in his arms, “Usa-chan, what happens when I’m woken up?”

 

He holds the bunny out at arm’s length and gestures wildly with it. He makes the bunny do some rude and oddly suggestive arm movements.

 

When he’s done, he nods and says innocently, “That’s what I thought.”

 

His eyes shoot up to look at Tamaki, Kyoya, and the twins. His voice seems to drop. He whispers, “They die.”

 

A scream is heard. Dust is kicked up in a sudden whirlwind of motion. When it settles, Tamaki is flat on his back, the bunny, Usa-chan, on his stomach. Tamaki looks like he’s about ready to pee his pants with fear. Realizing that he’s still in one piece, having not been completely wrecked, he laughs and tries to play it off. He stares off into the distance, looking at you, before saying, a gleam in his eyes, “See? We have good fun here! Won’t you join us?”

 

The twins break out of their stunned silence to ask, “Can someone _please_ get him to stop doing that?”

 

Kyoya struts over to Tamaki and bends to help him up. As Tamaki begins to sit up, Usa-chan slides off of his stomach. Before the bunny can hit the ground, the short blonde comes bouncing out of the shadows, grabs the bunny, and shoves it into Tamaki’s face, smothering him. Tamaki, flailing his arms in the air, screaming into Usa-chan’s plush belly.

 

“Honey,” a deep voice interrupts from the shadows. Unlike the last time, the voice perfectly matches the guy who steps out of the shadows. He is tall, with a silent air about him that is very intimidating. “Is that really necessary?”

 

He places a hand on Honey’s shoulder. Honey drops the bunny and whirls around, saying in a childlike screech, “Mori!”

 

Honey jumps up into Mori’s arms and is swung around a bunch, his high-pitched laughter echoing off the rafters.

 

“Okay, well, since we’re all here, would you mind telling us why you called this emergency meeting?” Kyoya asks. He pulls a large clipboard out of the back of his pants. _How long has it been there?_ (Answer: nobody knows. Nobody _wants_ to know).

 

“Before we do that, I thought we could practice our introductions!” Tamaki says joyfully, laughing in what is supposed to be a carefree manner. The others know he’s a complete tight-ass, so the effect is lost.

 

“Uhhh.. how about no?” One of the twins asks.

 

“Kaoru, you should be more enthusiastic about life! Take me for example!” Tamaki pulls out another rose. Seriously, where is he getting all these roses? “I love life and I love anything beautiful that catches my eye!”

 

Tamaki winks at you.

 

“Yeah, that’s great and all, Boss, but seriously, please stop,” the other twin says, looking kind of creeped out.

 

Tamaki waves the other twin off, saying, “Hikaru, you just don’t appreciate true beauty!”

 

Tamaki sashays away, throwing roses behind him as he goes. The floor that is illuminated by the spotlight is now covered in roses. It is an obnoxious, and very unnecessary, amount of roses.

 

“Can we get these introductions over with, then?” Kaoru whines.

 

“Now, now, don’t have that kind of attitude!” Tamaki commands.

 

The lights go off around them before anyone can think to respond. Someone screams, shrill and filled with fear, probably Kyoya. Everything goes silent. Like a crowd waiting in awe for what’s to come, the other people in the warehouse wait for what Tamaki is going to do next.

 

A blast of classical music is heard. A spotlight (not the extremely convenient one. No, a different one) shines down, alighting on Tamaki, a rose resting in his teeth. He wiggles his eyebrows and removes the rose from between his teeth. Holding it out in front of him, he says, “Oh, fair maiden! It is an honor to meet you!”

 

He twirls to the swelling in the chords of the song. Throwing his arms up, a flock of doves flies out of his coat (Holy shit, when did those get there? How long have they been there? These are all valid questions).

 

“My name is Tamaki Suoh! Let me help make all your lovely dreams come true!”

 

The lights in the warehouse come on.

 

Everyone is stunned.

 

All the jaws are on the floor. Everyone is catching flies with their open mouths.

 

Tamaki sweeps his blonde hair back behind one ear and shouts triumphantly, “And that’s how you do an intro!”

 

“Alright! Who’s next?” He asks. No one responds. They were all too busy being dumbfounded at his dorkiness.

 

“Kyoya? How about you?” Tamaki wiggles his hips in an effort to entice someone, _anyone_ , into responding.

 

Kyoya breaks out of his dumbfounded and nosebleed induced state (the hip wiggle had been a little too much for his brain to handle) to push his glasses up on his face. The glasses glint menacingly. The glasses are more menacing than the man who wears them.

 

He pulls a potted houseplant out of thin air and then proceeds to pull a clipboard out of the potted houseplant. He pulls a pen out of his shoe.

 

He steps around Tamaki, saying, “Hello, my name is Kyoya Ootori. I am the third son of the Ootori clan, and Tamaki’s _lover_.”

 

He tries to whisper that last word in Tamaki’s ear, but Tamaki cringes, looking like he’s on the verge of tears, and objects, “No. I told you, we aren’t even a friends with benefits thing. Seriously, I have no idea why you keep on thinking that.”

 

Now it’s Kyoya’s turn to look like he’s on the verge of tears. He valiantly continues on with his introduction, despite feeling the intense sting of rejection.

 

“I am in charge of financing for our Host Club/Mafia. This prestigious job can only be given to the smartest member of our group, which I am. And if you think it’s not a butt ton of work to look after this mediocre fucking dunce,” he gestures at Tamaki, clearly trying to get back at him for the rejection, “then you obviously don’t understand hard work when it’s staring at you with glorious, purple eyes framed by luxurious hair that you could just reach out and touch.”

 

“He’s talking about Tamaki, right?” Honey whispers to Mori.

 

Mori nods. He checks his phone, bored.

 

“Pathetic!” Honey sings into Usa-chan’s ear. He makes the pink bunny dance in front of him and laughs. Kyoya ignores him.

 

“Why are we doing this??” Kaoru yells suddenly. He glared off into the distance like he’s on the Office and yells, pointing, “You! I’m asking you!”

 

“Oh god, you’re as crazy as Tamaki…” Hikaru says, dragging a hand down his face.

 

“No! I’m talking to the authors!” He yells in response to Hikaru. Looking back off into the distance, he demands, “Why are we doing this? We already know the other people in our organization? Just because you’re too lazy to create some legitimate exposition, that doesn’t mean we all have to get dragged into it! I swear, if I have to listen to another one of Tamaki’s god forsaken rants I will pull all my hair out! For fuck’s sake make it stop!”

 

There is no response from the authors. They are too busy fucking shit up (AN: and listening to BTS)

 

“You know what? I’m coming out there!”

 

“Kaoru, stop trying to break the fourth wall!” Hikaru screams, but it was too late. With a horrendous shriek similar to that of two cats having sex in a burlap sack, Kaoru runs straight through the fourth wall.

 

Sweaty, extremely pissed, and with a crazed look in his eyes, he wipes some blood off of his face and growls, “Make. It. Stop.”

 

The authors look at him. There is no remorse in their eyes. They are stone cold murderers, capable of killing off characters with a few clicks of their keyboards. They know it. The mafia knows it.

 

Slowly, the authors turn to one another. They smile menacingly and, turning, flip Kaoru off in unison.

 

“Oooookaaaayy crazy… time to tone it back a bit….” Hikaru begins to drag Kaoru back through the hole he blasted in the fourth wall. “Sorry about that.” He whispers to the authors.

 

One of them blinks. (A/N: the other doesn't because they're a lizard person.) They do not care. They are the gods of this world. They can do what they want.

 

“Big fan by the way!” Hikaru chuckles nervously. He whispers in Kaoru’s ear, “Let’s get out of here before something terrible happens.”

 

The authors begin planning Kaoru’s death. Be prepared for chapter six.

 

Also, that hole in the fourth wall is going to need to be repaired, and I’m certainly not paying for that shit….

 

“Anyways, sluts, guess who just got out of prison?” Hikaru asks.

 

Silence.

 

Someone coughs. Honey, confused, snorts a line of coke that he had prepared while the whole fourth wall thing was going on and asks, “When did you go to prison?”

 

“I think the better question is, ‘why are we waiting in this warehouse?’” Kyoya says, pushing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. He grumbles, “And if you’re gonna snort some coke, at least share….”

 

“Sorry, Kyoya, but this coke is for the big boys!” Honey sing-songs, hugging Usa-chan to him.

 

“Here, you can have this coke,” Mori reaches into his pocket and pulls out a Pepsi can. He hands it to Kyoya, who throws it on the ground. His incomprehensible screeching is heard as he storms over to a door.

 

“If you need me, I’ll be rolling in my stacks of cash!”

 

“No, Kyoya!” Hikaru shrieks. “The last time you did that, you got a $5 bill stuck up your ass!”

 

“Yeah, and I had to extract it with tweezers…” Tamaki whimpers. He is forever scarred after that incident.

 

Kyoya doesn’t care, though. He enjoys living the dangerous life. He is the king of getting things stuck up his ass (*wink wonk*). Kyoya slams the door behind him. Everyone holds their breath, waiting. Suddenly, Gee by Girl’s Generation (or Gilr’s generation if you saw that accident in the lionheart MV) can be heard blasting from the room. Everyone nods. This is what they were waiting for.

 

BANG.

 

A shot rings out through the warehouse.

 

BANG.

 

Another shot. This time, it hits Tamaki and he goes down.

 

Mori grabs Honey and dives behind a stack of boxes. The two pull guns out of their uniforms. Honey crosses himself and asks, “You ready, Usa-chan?”

 

The rabbit nods. It’s showtime.

 

Hikaru yells, “Is it the popo???”

 

Kaoru peeks out from behind the box he’s squatting behind. He nearly gets shot. “I don’t think so? Not 100% sure on that one, though. Let me get back to you.”

 

“This is no time for your sass, Kaoru!” Hikaru yells. They continue to squabble. Everyone is momentarily distracted as their weird ‘forbidden brotherly love’ scene takes place. No one is quite sure why the original writers thought this was a good idea. Incest is NOT wincest. (A/N: Yeah and you also create evil devil babies that get poisoned at their wedding. Yeah, Joffrey. Fuck that guy.)

 

“I’m gonna kill them all,” Honey growls, hiding his face behind Usa-chan. He likes to pretend that it is the rabbit talking, but they all know it’s him. They… all… _know_. Unfortunately, the last time someone pointed it out to him, they died. Rest in peace Future Donald Trump.

 

Honey runs out and begins shooting. Mori sighs and goes after him, guns blazing.

 

In the ensuing shoot-out, Hikaru and Kaoru remain unhelpful. Honey wipes the floor with the sorry asses of the assholes who tried to shoot them. His shrill laughter bounces off the rafters of the warehouse.

Shooting a man point blank in the face, he laughs and says, hiding his face behind Usa-chan, “Now that’s what I call a piece of cake!”

 

Mori chuckles.

 

In no time, the Host Club’s assailants are lying, dead, on the floor. Yes, you read that correctly. They are dead. This is that kind of fanfic (and by that, I mean that is the OOC kind ^.^).

 

Once again, there is silence.

 

Looking down at the stuffed bunny in his arms, Honey says, “Good job, Usa-chan!”

 

Mori begins trying to dispose of the bodies. No one offers to help. Mori is unappreciated in his time.

 

Kyoya bursts out of the other room. Crying. “Honey!” He whines. “You were right! Rolling in that money was a bad idea… I got a $100 bill stuck up my ass and I need it and now I can’t get it out!”

 

He looks around, trying to find Tamaki. This is presumably so that he can ask Tamaki to pull the bill out with tweezers again.

 

Tamaki is writhing on the floor, though, clearly in pain.

 

“Omygosh! Tamaki!” Kyoya runs over to him. “If you die, who will punish me when I’m bad?”

 

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up,” Tamaki growls through gritted teeth.

 

“Wait a second…” Hikaru says, coming closer. “You were only grazed!”

 

Everyone groans. For a second there, they’d actually been worried for their leader.

 

“Yeah and it still hurts like a bitch,” Tamaki complains, standing up. He grips his arm and limps over to a crate. Sitting down, he asks, “Who were those guys?”

 

“Probably the same guys I borrowed a small loan of $1 million from…” Honey muses, scratching at his chin with Usa-chan’s paw.

 

“You did wh…. Wait, I don’t want to know,” Mori finally says. Sometimes he wonders why he hangs out with Honey, but then he remembers that they’re in the same mafia gang together and Honey has got him whipped to high heaven (you can take that as a drug joke if you want).

 

“Yeah, and Easta Dave never even showed up! That bitch ass hoe!” Honey says in a really cutesie voice.

 

There is silence.

  
  
  
  


“Okay, but can someone please help me get this money out of my ass?” Kyoya asks.


	2. Worse Than A Broken Vase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haruhi the Police Officer, some asshole no one' ever heard of is the Police Chief. Shenanigans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chaos continues as a dorky loser writes the second chapter of Ouran Highschool Mafia. There are definitely no references to Homestuck at all. Nope. None.
> 
> It should be mentioned that Kyoya never got his $100 back. It's hone forever. Buried, in his lack of ass. Forever. No one wanted to get it out.
> 
> By the way hi I'm the co-writer. Jeenius_the_Dork's my name. *tips fedora* *falls down a flight of stairs* This is what I get for trying to be cool.

You’re now in the police headquarters, in Japan. No one seems to be doing any work. It must be a quiet day.

Or everyone is just lazy as fuck.

Police chief Minasae, a possibly sociopathic and very sarcastic piece of shit who is almost -if not- as useless as Police chief Yagami, walked over to Haruhi Fujioka. Haruhi was of the disposable officer’s in the police force that no one really knew the gender of. Was Haruhi a boy? A girl? Who really knows.

Haruhi was packing up for the day, to return to her teenage drama shows, right as Minasae shoved a very large file in Haruhi’s face.

“Here’s your new assignment.” Minasae said, giving no context what-so-ever. 

“What? Why? Can’t someone else do it?” Haruhi asked.

“Fujior...Fudgey...Fumi...fuck, Haruhi, it’s JUST a dangerous mafia where you could possibly die, but you won’t because from what I hear they’re complete morons. Their heads are so far up their asses nothing bad could possibly happen.” Minasae replied, being - as previously stated- a sarcastic piece of shit.

“But...but I need to go home and watch my episodes of Glee on Hulu!” Haruhi complained.

“Justice has no time for shitty TV shows with bad singing. And Games of Thrones is where it’s at man.”

Since the police chief was also a very distracted person, Minasae did not notice Haruhi screeching swear words incomprehensibly into the file. Either that or Minasae didn’t give a shit. Probably the second option. 

“Oh yeah. They run a host club as a cover… so don’t be fooled by their… charm (?) Suoh is a merciless killer despite being a complete idiot and a whiney baby. The twins are pimps who I am SURE are gay for each other. Honey is their coked up drug dealer who hides his thirst for blood with a cutesy lolita persona. Don’t touch the cake. Mori is their silent ninja hitman and extremely whipped by Honey. They’re cousins but I’m pretty sure they’re also going at it. Finally, there’s Kyoya… oh dear fucking gog. I remember him from high school and the cringe is so real. He’s kind of just there because him and Tamaki are DEFINITELY going at it. He likes to pretend he’s cool and menacing but he’s really just a gigantic, hella gay, weeb who gets everything stuck up his ass. Oh and he sometimes does financing stuff but that’s not that important,” Minasae explained.

The police chief looked down from the ceiling lights before blindness would develop, only to notice Haruhi had been screaming the whole time. Minasae shrugged and ‘gently’ patted Haruhi’s head. *read as: mercilessly smacked.*

“Get going, Fujioka,” Minasae said.

Haruhi stood up very quickly, knocking over a pile of nerdy fan art, and what looked like a penis ouija. She sloppily saluted Minasae with a quick, “Yes, sir,” and ran off, papers flying in the wind. 

Minasae was frozen in her spot. Did Haruhi call her ‘sir?’

“HOW LONG HAVE PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS A BOY?!” Minasae yelled. 

 

“Stupid stake-out. Stupid mafia. Stupid boss for not understanding the greatness of Glee…” Haruhi mumbled. Her tricycle rolled quickly down a large hill, leading Haruhi to faceplant down the whole way. When she reached the bottom, she stopped cursing loudly and grumpily sat back on the bike and rolled out. 

She was approaching the warehouse, which the mafia’s headquarters were, so she pulled out her large binoculars and stared. 

Meanwhile, the mafia were standing outside trying to hide a body when they noticed a small boy riding on a tricycle while staring at them through a pair of binoculars. The boy wore a helmet with flashing police lights on the top and was speeding by to ‘try not to be noticed’. 

They were dumb, but knew he was part of the police force. By knew, I mean they were completely oblivious to the actual position of this small child. 

“Shoot him,” Kyoya suddenly deadpanned.

“Wait no!” Tamaki said, pushing Kyoya out of the way to get a better look. “Such a beautiful specimen needs to be preserved. Give me five minutes and I’ll work my magic.” 

Tamaki pulled out a condom. “If this doesn’t work then you can shoot him.”

Tamaki ran over to Haruhi, who’d just fallen off her tricycle again, leaving a trail of dust and roses behind him. 

My God, the roses are back.

From where the other members were, Tamaki looked even more ridiculous than he normally did - waving his arms around like a madman and pulling roses out of nowhere left and right. The small boy-child didn’t seem to be reacting at all… or they just couldn’t see the panicked expression or hear the screeching from where they stood. 

“... I’m still going to shoot him,” Kyoya said, pulling a gun out of his pants - God knows how long that had been there - and pointed it at the small boy-child. Kyoya pulled the trigger, but being shit at shooting guns, he missed Haruhi by a longshot (hehe… shot) and ended up slightly grazing Tamaki’s arm. 

Tamaki dropped to the ground and began screaming and crying like a baby, writhing in pain from the small cut on his arm. Haruhi, now very confused, looked towards where the gunshot came from. She saw a weeb in glasses trying very hard to turn the safety off of a second gun. She assumed this was the Kyoya character Police Chief Asshole told her about. 

Haruhi looked back down at the moron by her feet, who was still babbling and moaning in pain. She sighed and moved around the idiot’s feet. She picked them up, unwillingly and dragged him over to the rest of the mafia - ignoring his other screams of pain - from the grass stains he was going to get on his suit. 

When she was close enough to the club, she dropped Tamaki’s feet and with a deadpan expression asked, “Would you like a Band-Aid for that? I’ve got Barbie ones.”

Tamaki immediately lightened up, and nodded vigorously at the suggestion. The other club members cringed and facepalmed at how dumb their leader was sometimes.

 

[COMPLETELY UNEXPLAINED SKIP OF TIME]

 

Haruhi was now standing in a grand looking hall surrounded by squealing fangirls and the ‘host club’, who were acting like a bunch of doofs. Tamaki was very, VERY forward with his girls,while pulling roses, once again, out of nowhere. The twins were flirting with each other and needed to keep their tiny Tic Tacs in their pants for maybe one second. Honey was eating cake at an alarmingly fast rate. 

Haruhi was sure the ‘sugar’ in the cake was not actually sugar. 

Mori was kind of just there. Sitting. She felt like Mori was a furry. 

And Kyoya? Kyoya was… making weird porn? Who the fuck knows what he was doing in that book. 

Haruhi wondered how these idiots could be a fucking mafia. Other than the gun Kyoya had been failing to use earlier, no one really seemed to do anything too suspicious. 

Maybe Minasae *was* insane, or dumb. Probably both. 

“Hey newbie! Come over here!” Tamaki called over to the crossdressing popo officer. 

Haruhi unwillingly walked over to the idiot mafia boss with a deadpan expression on her face. Tamaki gestured over to a really bitchy looking girl with dog shit colored hair. “This is Sugar Mama McFurryass….” Tamaki introduced. 

Haruhi stared on, trying not to cringe at the woman’s very stripper like name. (AN: not sure what strippers you’ve been going to see my fellow co-writer…) (OA/N: only the most kwalitE of strippers.) (AN: Yeah… OKAY….) Tamaki, realizing his mistake, immediately started flipping out and screamed, “I MEAN PRINCESS AYANAKOJI.”

Haruhi wondered how someone could fuck up a name so horribly, almost forgetting this was a mafia she was dealing with. 

“Hi,” Haruhi plainly said, but in Tamaki’s mind it was like the singing of his God… Justin Bieber. He shrieked like a fangirl and started hugging the shit out of the poor unsuspecting soul. 

 

“That was amazing! I knew there was a reason we kept you here!” Tamaki yelled right into Haruhi’s ear. 

“You locked me in a closet with a sweaty pile of money!” Haruhi yelled in return - ready to pop a glock in his asshole. Tamaki stopped hugging her and began nervously laughing. 

“No I didn’t…” he suspiciously said. 

“You also told me if I tried to run you’d invade my vital regions,” she yelled again.

“N-no I didn’t. This young man must be thinking of a different devilishly handsome blonde man with purple eyes who happens to be named Tamaki Suoh,” Tamaki said. 

Everyone was silently staring at Tamaki, wondering how he could be so stupid and painfully specific. 

In return, Tamaki somehow rained roses upon the guests, making them forget everything that had just happened. Tamaki smiled in a sinister fashion. Got ‘em, he thought.

“Anyways, ladies, this is our newest member, Haruhi.” Tamaki said, throwing his arms out and smacking Haruhi in the face.

Haruhi screamed incomprehensibly once more wishing she could just kill them all right then and there. Haruhi’s screams were ignored because all the girls were probably influenced by Honey’s ‘candy’.

“He's so handsome.” the girls squealed.

“Back off bitch I called dibs like an hour ago.” Tamaki replied, in a deadly tone.

“What was that?” one of the better aware girls asked.

“I said, ‘I know right?!’” Tamaki replied in his carefree ‘totally not a merciless killer’ baby tone.

The girls continued to swoon over Haruhi and her supposed manly beauty, with the other mafia members standing in the distance, lonely and pathetic. They could hear these girls saying the weirdest shit, like how they wanted to keep Haruhi in their basement and do things to ‘him’.

Kaoru looked over into the distance with a look of disgust and gestured to the two morons writing the worst bullshit known to man (AN: Next to ‘Hogwarts School of Prayers and Miracles’ and ‘My immortal’... although those are both gold).

“What the FUCK?!” he yelled.

The authors, still apathetic about the feelings of these fictional character, shrugged and continued to not give one single shit.

“Kaoru what the hell are you doing? Kaoru are you talking to the authors again? Kaoru you know that's a bad idea! Oh my god he's going to die.” Hikaru sighed, getting prepared for one of the authors to rain fire and death upon his twin. 

Nothing happened. A moment of silence for all the fucks that were not given and DIED.

Okay moment over let’s get this shit over with.

Haruhi suspiciously looked over at Tamaki to see if he was doing anything suspicious. He could see him doing a horrible drawing, though didn't know who it was of.

Probably not Kyoya.

Tamaki sketched Haruhi’s body with his crayons paying great detail to Haruhi muskles. He was sure haRUHe’s abs were amazing and couldn't wait to see them in person. Haruhi was so handsum. 

Or at a least that's what he thought he was drawing. The hoes were looking at a stick person with a big dick being drawn by Tamaki, wondering what the hell was going on.

Fluffyass or whatever the fuck her name was, glared at the small boy child, who was currently talking to the blind weirdo who was licking everything earlier. She thought about shanking the small boy child, but quickly dismissed the idea because she was too lazy to put that plan into action.

Furrybuns looked around, seeing no one was watching her and walked over to Haruhi and the blind girl. She turned her back on the bodies for one second and got shot at least 6 times.

“Haruhi what did you do?” Kyoya asked, looking up from his weird porn.

“I didn't do anything! It was her.” Haruhi said, pointing to the blind girl holding a gun.

“How would I even use this. I'm blind.” The asshole replied.

“You are HOLDING THE GUN!” Haruhi yelled.

“You are a very rude person. Don't talk to me or my son ever again.” the blind girl said, picking up a folding chair and dragging it away with her.

Everyone tried to process what just happened, in their small useless brains. The idiot fangirls were ushered out the doors by Kyoya, while the others watched Haruhi suspiciously.

When the doors closed and Kyoya was too close to Tamaki for comfort, the twins began chanting, “One of us. One of us.” 

Tamaki was very eager to join the chanting and had a strangely joyful expression on his face.

Honey and the ever unwilling Mori joined the chant very soon. Giving up all the small strands of dignity he had left Kyoya joined the chanting.

The whole mafia was chanting ‘one of us’ by this point. It could only mean one thing. 

She was in.

Somewhere in an alternate universe, a commoner high schooler of the same name was in the same sort of position. The only difference was, that popo Haruhi’s situation was MUCH worse than a broken vase.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we take another moment to appreciate that i wrote this in Chemistry class and the public library? Yes. Awesome!


	3. Some Other Bullshit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel so bad for anyone who reads this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the characters for Ouran High School Host Club, as well as their story, belong to the creators of the anime and manga. We do not own any of this.
> 
> Also, the "Author's Notes" (indicated by "AN") are comments made by my co-author (Jeenius_the_Dork)
> 
> Finally, this chapter was written by theClassiestLesbian. My cowriter will be writing the next chapter.

It was another fine day. And by fine, I mean the same level of fine as my ass (which is pretty damn fine). (A/N: If you actually use this as an opening I am disowning you.) (Too late)

 

Haruhi looked up at the Host Club building that served as the Mafia’s front. She sighed. Today was going to be a long day.

 

Once inside, she was graced by one of the most horrifying sights known to humanity. Tamaki in a toga.

 

 _Please kill me,_ she thought. (AN: Sure. What chapter?)

 

“Haaaarruuuuhiiiii!” Tamaki yelled, making his way over to Haruhi, who was trying really hard not to cry. “The theme of our Host Club today is ‘Ancient Greece.’”

 

“I can see that,” She said, backing away from his outstretched arms. Tamaki followed her and soon he was chasing her around the Host Club.

 

“Haruhi, aren’t you interested in knowing what we’re dressed as?” Honey asked, bouncing after them. Haruhi always found it terrifying when he acted like an angel at the Host Club, especially when she knew he was capable of murder.  

 

“Not particularly….” She said, attempting to creep away again.

 

“In case anyone is wondering, I’m playing the role of Tamaki’s lovely, doting wife!” Kyoya said, wiggling over to Tamaki. Yes. Wiggled. He wiggled across the floor to Tamaki like a worm and started stroking his feet. (AN: What even? Holy shit)

 

“I only agreed to that because you had pictures of me sleeping on your phone,” Tamaki grumbled, kicking Kyoya viciously in the face.

 

“Bitch,” Tamaki whispered.

 

“Love me,” Kyoya whispered in return, clutching at his bleeding nose as he wiggled back across the ground to slither up onto a nearby seat.

 

“I’m playing the role of a soldier!” Honey said in a cutesie voice. He was decked out in full battle gear, minus the helmet, which was resting on Usa-chan’s head. Usa-chan was clutched in Honey’s arm in place of a shield, and in his other hand he was holding a greek spear. This was probably a very bad idea (Read as: **definitely** a bad idea).

 

Some girls swooned in unison over Honey’s apparent cuteness. Haruhi began looking for possible escape routes.

 

“Want to know what you’re going to be?” Tamaki whispered in Haruhi’s ear, making her jump. “You’re going to be my servant boy… and if you’re familiar with Ancient Greece at all, you’ll know what that means.”

 

Haruhi cried.

  
  


There were a few problems with the costume:

  1. It called for Haruhi to be shirtless. None of the guys in the Host Club Mafia knew about Haruhi being female. If Haruhi walked out there shirtless, her cover would be blown.
  2. Tamaki’s idea that she would be his servant. _What the hell was that? What kind of fucked up guy used the theme of Ancient Greece to perve on people??_ Haruhi thought.
  3. Fuck no.



 

Haruhi wore the clothing she was given, but put on a shirt underneath. It was game time.

 

When she got out into the main Host Club room, she saw Police Chief Asshole (Minasae) in the corner. She was wearing a costume that was supposed to, in her words, “Make everyone think she was a blind girl”. Haruhi had been extremely skeptical about this, but so far it was working. (AN: Basically Homestuck cosplay.)

 

“Pssssssssssttttt… Haruhi! Psssssssssssstttt.”

 

Haruhi tried to ignore the hissing noises from the corner. Minasae just got louder.

 

“I think you have a customer,” Mori deadpanned, pointing at Minasae.

 

“You think?!” Haruhi snapped back. She immediately felt bad about it, after all, Mori is unappreciated in his time.

 

“What do you want?” Haruhi hissed, sliding onto the couch a safe distance away from Police Chief Asshole.

 

“I want to read you my fanfiction!” Minasae said cheerfully.

 

“Oh God no. Save it for the next chapter.” Haruhi tried to stand up(AN: Spoiler alert. Shitty fan fiction coming your way. Take this as you will), but the Chief pulled her back down, whispering menacingly in her ear, “If you get up I’ll not only pop a glock in your ass, but I’ll tell everyone who you really are.”

 

“What the hell? You sent me on this mission! Why would you willingly reveal my identity?” (AN: asshoooooooooole.)

 

Without waiting for a response, Minasae said, “This is a new fanfic I’m writing about a webcomic I’m a particular fan of.”

 

“Read it to me,” She ordered.

 

Haruhi began reading:  

 

_The sweaty troll toweled himself off slowly before sauntering over to his paralyzed victim. Reaching into a chest on the floor of his hive, he pulled out a giant, throbbing, horse pe-_

 

“I am _not_ reading anymore of your disgusting horseman porn!” Haruhi yelled. She threw the Chief’s manuscript on the ground (I threw it on the ground!) (what am I doing with my life?). “Screw you!”

 

She turned and tried to run away, but ran straight into the arms of the twins, who had been standing behind her for god only knows how long. Were they shirtless?

 

“The Fu-” She began to yell, but was stopped by a hand over her mouth.

 

Some random ass girls swoon in the background as Haruhi found herself caught in the arms of the shirtless twins.

 

She felt her soul leave her body.

 

[NOTE: This is where shit gets real]

 

Just as the twins began to start one of their “Forbidden Brotherly Love” moments, the door to the club flew open.

 

It was the body.

 

The same body that the Club never actually finished burying back in Chapter 2.

 

It crawled into the room, the very picture of perfect health.

 

Pulling a gun out of its coat pocket, the corpse took its aim and shot. Tamaki went down.

 

This is why you never turn your back on the body.

 

With a final sigh, the body died. It left behind it the distinct smell of springtime flowers. A bird flew down from the heavens and rested on the body. Everything was all very pristine and beautiful. The body then slowly disappeared. In its place, it left behind a note. If anyone had thought to read the note, they would discover that it had one phrase written on it: _Fuck Bitches, Get Money_. This will not be explained further.

 

“Shit!” Tamaki yelled, grabbing his left shoulder. He fell to the ground and some of the girls screamed in fear.

 

“Tamaki!” A few of them shrieked. They run over and started crowding him. Kyoya was in shock. He had just witnessed the love of his life get shot. Again.

 

“Move out of the way!” Police Chief Asshole said, pushing her way to the front of the crowd. Bending down over Tamaki, she began putting on a pair of rubber gloves and said, “Trust me I’m a doctor. This will only hurt a bit.” (AN: This shit head right here is pretending to be a blind doctor. GJ Police Chief Asshole.)

 

Grabbing the waistband of his pants, she tried to pull them down before someone yelled, “What are you doing?? He was just shot!”

 

“Oh, silly me! And here I thought he needed a prostate exam!” Minasae said, flipping the person off while smiling.

 

Haruhi wanted to sink into the floor and never deal with the host club ever again. Of course, this wasn’t going to be possible any time soon.

 

“The only person he needs a prostate exam from is me….” Haruhi heard Kyoya mutter from behind her. He then proceeded to try to cover up the statement with a coughing fit. Haruhi cast him a less than pleased look out of the corner of her eye.

 

Getting fed up with all the bullshit, she pushed past all the wailing fangirls. She then kicked the disguised Police Chief out of the way. The Chief tucked and rolled, rolling right out through the front door of the Host Club. (AN: Do a barrel roll.)

 

“Tamaki, can I look at your shoulder?”

 

“Oh, my sweet Haruhi! You’ve finally come for me!” Tamaki winked at that last phrase. Haruhi pretended not to understand the double entendre.

 

“Oh shut up.” Haruhi growled. Examining his shoulder, Haruhi sighed. “It’s just a flesh wound. You barely even got grazed….”

 

“You hear that everyone? It’s just a flesh wound!” A girl yelled. All the girls started to cheer. A knight dressed all in black (one might even call him “The Black Knight”) grumbled something about people always stealing his best lines.

 

 _Why does nobody love me?_ Kyoya wondered (Me too, Kyoya. Me too.)

  
Tamaki continued to cry over his flesh wound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to avoid writing this fanfic in my religion class... but I couldn't help it (it was just too tempting). The ending was written while I was watching Sherlock with my mom. She kept on asking me why I was laughing so much, especially since we were watching the episode "The Reichenbach Fall."


	4. Bad Fanfiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is worthy of a bad fanfiction panel at a convention. Why do people even read this trash?

Just another perfect day with absolutely no problems with the host mafia. By perfect we mean everything is going to shit right then and there.

Haruhi glanced over at Tamaki, who was reenacting his Destiel fanfiction REALLY loudly with one of his guests.

She didn't really know what was going on or who this ‘Cas’ person was. She could only assume he was a good person because Tamaki *cough Dean* was calling him an angel. (AN: Please kill me) 

_“Come fly with me my angle, to the deepest pits of Hell, which is the only place Dean (i) is (am) allowed to go. Don't quote me on that I can't watch the show after season 6.” Tamaki said._

_“Okay.” The girl playing Cas said, shrugging._

_“But wait. You're literally an angle...and I need my pie.” Dean said._

_“Cool cool.” Cas replied._

_Suddenly Dean straddled Cas and -_  
I think it's time to move on.

-  
_Honey pulled out a gun and pointed it at a random citizen. He smiled and pulled the trigger._

_The random person exploded into bloody prices and rained down upon Honey._

_He holds his bunny in front of his face. “I love getting wet...if you know what I mean.” he said in a deep Morgan Freeman voice. (AN: oh god) (OAN: My head cannon is Nepeta speaks in a Morgan Freeman voice. Just imagine everything she says as Morgan Freeman. It’s great.)_

_He looks up at his beautiful, tall cousin with a childish smile._

_“Did I do a good?” he asked the taller one._

_Mori gives Honey a thumbs up but says nothing. He is the STRONG (AN: fuck you Equius and your sweaty towels) silent type...who probably mounts horses in more ways than one. (AN: I cannot describe the sheer horror I felt while reading this) (OAN: Good. Your pain gives me inspiration to write this horrible bullshit.)_

_Off in the distance Tamaki gets shot. Kyoya gets a quarter stuck in his ass (again)._

_So nothing new with the host mafia._

Honey smiled at his guests with an innocent face.

“Did you ladies like my autobiography.” Honey asked.

“That was funny joke. You make good fiction story.” One of the girls replied.

“Got ‘em.” Honey thought with a smile.

Mori was trying to read a Skittles wrapper, but was horribly failing. He became illiterate after someone shot the Mori that could READ.

Kyoya was making his weird porn again, wondering why he was subjecting himself to this bullshit. He questioned why he agreed to do this fanfiction crap, soon remembering he was doing this for Tamaki’s love...someday…maybe. 

No.

Kyoya began sobbing uncontrollably became as soaked as his di-

_“Oh Markimoo you're so perfect.” Jack said._

_“Fuck yeah I am. Look at these muskles.” Mark replied, flexing his gigantic fab biceps._

_Jack fangasmed all over the floor, joining the already growing pile of drool._

_“Well Jackaboy, let's get down to business. To defeat. Yo buns.” Mark sang, dragging Jack into a bedroom. (AN: I’m FUCKING SCREAMING)_

_“Lol okay.” Jack replied._

_I think you know what happens next._

_A CAR CRASHED THROUGH THE APARTMENT! IT WAS...A TITAN! AND JIMIN FROM BTS (or AOA. Take your pick. It's not like I care.)_

_“I'm here to stop you from doing something you'll regret.” Jimin said, somehow with perfect English._

_“What?” Mark and Jack asked._

_The Titan removed its suit to reveal...YAMIMASH! DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!!!_

By this point Hikaru and Kaoru were screaming at each other. None of their guests were listening. 

Septiplier was trash. 

Kenpai was everyone’s senpai. (To all the uncultured swine out there I’m talking about CinnamonToastKen.)

Haruhi liked Septiplier. She thought it was sugoi.

So sugoi.

The most sugoi in the land. (OAN: For the record, I do not ship Septiplier or real people in general. It’s...you people need to stop.)

“Pssst...Haruhi.” Police Chief Asshole whispered.

Oh god fucking damnit. What did she want now? Did she want another fanfiction edited?

The young crossdressing popo reluctantly walked over to her dumbass superior. (Seriously why was she the superior she can't even remember her own name sometimes.)

“What?” Haruhi asked.

“I wrote another fanfiction. I swear it's good this time.” the police chief said.

“No. Stop.” Haruhi deadpanned. (OAN: Wait is this the other author or Haruhi? I think this applies to both. :P)

Sadly, Police Chief Asshole was still an asshole, so she began reading it anyways.

_A red spotted open metal box dropped into Future Ladybug's hands. She knew what it was, a Sendificator._

_"Well...there's a bunch of ways this could go down." Future Ladybug said mostly to herself, but loud enough for the others to hear._

_"Hm...am I supposed to pull a Dirk on Hawk Moth?" she wondered._

_It was only then that she noticed Hawk Moth was going after Ladybug's Miraculous, with Future Cat Noir slowly trying to get away and the other Cat Noir having actually destroying Volpina's necklace some ways away._

_The Ladybug in Hawk Moth's vicinity kicked Hawk Moth's leg and ran away like a little biyatch._

_Future Ladybug gasped, suddenly understanding what the Sendificator was for._

_"I'M the one who's pulling a Dirk." She whispered._

“This story blows.” Haruhi said.

The fourth wall suddenly blasted across the room, knocking Tamaki over and causing him to cry. One of the authors stomped out with an angry look on her face. (AN: Not me, the lizard person, but the other author)

“I WORKED REALLY HARD ON THAT A MONTH AGO! FUCK YOU!” she yelled, before walking back through the gigantic hole.

Good job Jeenius. Shameless promotion.

_"Don't lose your head over it, Hawk Moth." Future Ladybug said, with a wicked grin._

_Before Hawk Moth could do anything at a, Future Ladybug lowered the box over her own head. The girl violently convulsed for a moment, before dropping down on the ground, dead._

_Hawk Moth couldn't believe what he just saw. This Ladybug would rather decapitate herself than give him her Miraculous. She would rather cut off Cat Noir's hand than have him give up his Miraculous._

_Future Ladybug had been INSANE!_

_But most of all._

_"Her last words were a fucking pun." Hawk Moth said._

_His attention was soon captured by a blonde boy wearing pointy anime shades wearing a weird pink outfit. His face displayed no emotion. A hand was raised and formed a thumbs up._

_“Sugoi.” *sparkles*_

“11 fedoras out of 5!” Honey screeched at Police Chief Asshole. 

Great critique m8. 

She smiled maniacally, knowing she’d influenced one of these morons. 

While everyone else gave their opinions, no one saw Donald Trump sneak past the two authors - who were talking about Kaoru’s death - and go through the fourth wall. 

He crab walked over to Kyoya and started trying to build a wall in the man’s lack of ass. 

Hikaru whipped his head around towards the orange oompa-loompa king and yelled, “No Trump! Don't do it! Kyoya’s asshole is already too big! It'll just get stuck like our money and Kyoya’s hopes and dreams!” 

Trump licked one of his eyes and quickly turned towards Hikaru. A face of pure shock formed when he saw everyone, including the two authors staring at him. 

He scurried away back through the fourth wall into the waiting arms of Hillary Clinton. 

“WHAT THE FU-" 

Haruhi was cut off by the author, who was shamelessly promoting her story before, by ending the chapter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't ship Septiplier nor do I recommend trying to find that Miraculous Ladybug fanfiction that's been thrown in the chapter. Don't read any of my other fanfictions. I mean it.


	5. Oops my finger slipped

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeenius is bored as fuck and has lost all control in her life so she writes a side chapter just for the lulz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> f u c k

How to be a Mafia 101 (by Tamaki Suoh):

**Step 1: You have to be intimidating.**

The host mafia and Haruhi try to hide another body. By this I mean Tamaki was crying and being the true man baby he was always meant to be while Mori if forced to do the manual labor everyone else is too pathetic to be able to do. Haruhi stands off in the distance attempting to get the hot blue lady's attention so she could be sniped in the face. 

Tamaki think that they look cool. Little does he remember that he's crying his eyes out because he saw a butterfly and that they're all currently wearing the furry suits Mori bought them so they could sneak into YiffCon and get their victim. 

The identity of their victim is the least of your problems right now. I think the more concerning thing is that Mori owns seven furry suits. 

"What the fuck are those weebs doing?" asked a man that looks suspiciously a lot like Jungkook from BTS. Spoiler alert. It was Jungkook from BTS. My fingers seem to have slipped and typed man instead of fetus. My apologies, but this is besides the point.

The beautiful, cinnamon roll beside Jungkook gives him a questioning stare. "How the fuck do you have any room to judge?" It's Min Yoongi.

Did I mention that Jungkook is dressed as Naruto for some reason? No? The more you know. *star flies by* 

Slightly farther away, Hanzo Shimada sheds a manly tear. 

**Step 2: Own lots of guns.**

Kyoya stares at the small revolver in his hands. 

"How do I use this?" he asked. 

Jesse McCree wants to High Noon this little bitch's ass. He is distracted by a demon _butt_ ler named Sebastian and ends up shooting some scrub named Jackson's leg. (fuck Jackson). 

**Step 3: Be able to aim**

And I missed. So I fired again. And I missed. And then I missed again. And I fired again, and then I missed. And then I fired, then I fired again, I missed both times. And then I fired and I missed. This went on for several hours. And then I fired, and then I missed. And then I was out of bullets, and then I got sad. I had a popsicle, and then I passed out in the snow. And then I woke up, and then I reloaded and I fired, and then I missed. I missed again, then I fired and I hit something, but it wasn’t what I was going for, so I guess I missed. I passed out again. Had another popsicle. I had a dream that I was firing at something. I missed. I threw up a snowball at em’, and I missed. I packed another snowball into my gun, that’s my secret weapon. I missed. Yeah, she’s really somethin’, I threw a snowball at her, I missed. I passed out. I woke up with a popsicle stick in my mouth. Don’t give me sass woman, I’ll take a swing at ya, I’ll miss though, I guarantee ya. I’ll take another swing, and I’ll miss. Then I’ll have myself a popsicle. Would ya care for a popsicle? Just don’t bring it into the sauna. Yeah. I reached into the fridge for another popsicle, I missed. I got the package, I put it back, but I missed. I dropped it on the floor. Long story short? Missed. 

And that's how Arin Hanson and Danny from Game Grumps infiltrated the Mafia. 

**Step 4: Have really cool monologues**

"When I was a girl. I was afraid of spiders..." Tamaki said, trying to sound like a French stereotype. 

A baby spider drops down from the ceiling in front of Tamaki's face. It takes a short second for Tamaki to process this. 

"I STILL AM!" he screams incoherently. 

Tamaki pulls a sniper rifle out of an unsuspecting Kyoya's ass and begins trying to shoot the spider. You could vaguely hear the spider whisper "Hon Hon Hon titty croissants." as Tamaki misses every shot. 

Kyoya is too busy trying to get over the fact that Tamaki just touched his ass to question what the literal fuck is going on. 

**Step 10: Give up and cry**

Strong power. Thank you. 

Jeenius looks at her masterpiece with pride. This was absolutely beautiful. Now all she had to do was upload it. She goes to click the post button but something else catches her eye. It's the shitty fanfiction she refused to let her coauthor read. What the fuck was it doing here? She looks at it equally as fondly as with the current Mafia chapter. 

She then proceeds to furiously click the delete button to rid the world of the terrible fanfiction. 

She considers what to say to the people who actually read it and would probably wonder where it went. 

"Oops. My finger slipped." said the colossal piece of shit. 


	6. SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS (Everybody!!!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a really shitty drinking game. Have fun. 
> 
> Shoutout to the person who used the guest name "Yaoiupmyass." My co-author and I know you like witnessing our pain. Please save us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the full effect of self-loathing (aka if you want to know what I listened to while writing this particularly choice piece of shit), then go listen to "The Shrek Parade." It's a Mash-up of Smash Mouth's "All Star" and My Chemical Romance's "Welcome to the Black Parade." 
> 
> Note: All the characters for Ouran High School Host Club, as well as their story, belong to the creators of the anime and manga. We do not own any of this.
> 
> Also, the "Author's Notes" (indicated by "AN") are comments made by the other author (i.e. the person who did not write the chapter).
> 
> This chapter was written by "TheClassiestLesbian"

Greetings readers. Prepare to get fucked up. 

Everyone got their shot glasses ready? Okay, let’s go. 

The rules are simple: do a shot every time Tamaki gets shot. If you want to do shots with water or pop or something because you value your life (?), that’s fine. Let’s be real, though… life is over after Agust D’s mixtape dropped, but that’s fine (Fuck, I wrote this a while ago… still true, though). 

Let’s get this show on the road, bitches. 

 

“Of three things Haruhi was absolutely certain. First, Tamaki was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him - and Haruhi wasn’t sure how dominant that part was - that thirsted for her blood. Third, Haruhi was hopelessly, irrevocably and unconditionally in love with --- wait… what the fuck?!” Haruhi screamed. “I thought we were done with this fanfiction bullshit last chapter! Why are you showing me this shit?”

A very surprised, and slightly confused, Police Chief Asshole stared back at Haruhi, clearly trying to understand what had made Haruhi so upset. 

“Haruhi, what are you talking about? That’s the report I asked you to fill out a while back. You never got around to it, remember? You said you were too busy with your other job?” 

“Wait a second… what did you just say?” Haruhi looked down at the paper in her hands. Sure enough she was holding a standard blank report, one just waiting to be filled out. She sighed. It had just been her imagination. 

Shit, this job is really getting to me, she thought. The other night, Tamaki had made her stay up until three in the morning as he watched Twilight over and over and over and over (and over and over and over and over and over…). 

Essentially, it had been hell. 

Haruhi was lucky to have survived. 

Quite frankly, Tamaki was lucky Haruhi hadn’t given him a columbian necktie .

“Tick-tock,” the Police Chief clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth and gave Haruhi a reptilian smile. Haruhi almost tore her five new ones. She was restrained by a cry that went up through the police station. It was the sound of the Idiot Whistle. (AN: Hardcore judges) (FOR WHAT???) (AN: EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS FANFICTION. WE NEED TO STOP.) (AN: JK YOU’RE HERE FOREVER) (In case you haven’t noticed, you’re stuck in this hell with me *rolls away with my middle fingers up*) (AN: All of you are.)

That little bit of squabbling from the authors aside, one of the police officers managing one of the street security cameras yelled, “Police Chief Minasae! It’s the Ouran High School Mafia! Tamaki’s been shot in the middle of the street!”

“How many times?” 

“Hard to say for certain, but if I zoom in on his unmoving, revolting figure, I can see two bullet wounds (drink up, assholes).”

The Police Chief turned to Haruhi, “Looks like you’re needed elsewhere. Have fun, and remember, always check to make sure the safety on your gun isn’t on before entering a Mexican Standoff!”

“What kind of idiot do you take me for?” Haruhi grumbled, wishing that she could give the Police Chief a necktie to match the one she’d wanted to give Tamaki. (AN: I’m going to be honest, I do not get the necktie joke.) (Please do not look up pictures of this online if you don’t like seeing blood)

 

Five minutes later, Haruhi was dressed in her disguise and ready to go. She rushed to the scene of the crime to find Tamaki still slumped on the ground. For some reason, none of the other assholes from the Ouran High School Mafia were anywhere to be seen. Haruhi would have at least thought that Kyoya would be lurking nearby, anxious to get a piece of Tamaki. 

“Tamaki?” Haruhi nudged him gently. Giving up on being gentle, she kicked him in the shoulder. “Tamaki! Can you hear me?”

No response. 

Maybe he’s already dead and I won’t have to continue doing this stupid undercover job. Checking for a pulse, though, she *unfortunately* found one, however unsteady it was. Just my luck. Now I have to drag his ass back to the Mafia’s headquarters. 

Unfortunately, when she went to pick Tamaki up she could see that he’d been shot not only twice, but three times (another shot). (AN: Clearly Tamaki was trying to channel his inner pro Genji but since Overwatch isn’t real Mercy wasn’t there to help him when he was spamming ‘I need healing.’) (Please stop….) (AN:...I n e e d h e a l i n g)

There was no way she could move Tamaki in this condition. Taking out her phone, she called the only people she could think to call. The Ghostbusters. (AN: Wait are we talking about the girl ones or the original Ghostbusters? Or the weird shitty cartoon version? Yeah. They made a shitty Ghostbusters cartoon in the 90s.) (Yes) (AN: That does not help in the slightest.)

The sound of wheels squeeling around the corner reached Haruhi’s ears. Looking up, she glared into the distance at the van that was rushing towards her. The van screeched to a stop in front of her and Tamaki. 

Too late, Haruhi realized her mistake. She hadn’t called the Ghostbusters, she’d called the - 

“Ghostfacers, at your service. Where’s the ghost?” Harry Spengler yelled, falling out of the van in a cloud of smoke. 

“What? There’s no ghost. Look, I made a mistake… I meant to call someone else…?” She trailed off, her sentence becoming a question as she noticed the dejected look on Harry’s face. “Um… are you okay?”

“It’s okay, Harry, the Ghostbusters are a dying meme, but the Ghostfacers never die,” (AN: Heroes never die.) Ed Zeddmore walked out of the smoke that was still swirling up from the van’s wheels and was spewing out of the van itself. Haruhi thought she detected the faint trace of weed in the air. 

She sighed. They’d hotboxed the car. 

Just as she was about to say, for the second time, that she’d made a mistake in calling them (I mean, Ghostfacers was just under Ghostbusters in her phone contacts… anyone would have made the same mistake), Harry started screaming something about grabbing the salt. In seconds, Haruhi found herself in a very messy salt circle with two dorks standing over her. 

“What’s going on?” 

“He’s here!” Harry yelled, staring wildly in front of him. 

“Who’s here? Seriously, what the fuck is going on?!” 

“He’s right there! How can you not see him?” If Harry’s voice got any higher he’d enter the range at which only dogs could here. He was pointing at the air in front of him. 

Looking around wildly, Haruhi looked towards where he was pointing, but saw nothing. She could feel Tamaki beginning to slip away and knew that if she didn’t get him medical help soon he’d die. Each second she spent dealing with this bullshit was another second Tamaki lost. 

Ed gasped. Looking at Haruhi, he said, his voice quiet, “Haruhi… I know what you need to do. You need to be gay for this poor, dead mob boss.”

“Pardon?” 

Ed leaned down, cupping Haruhi’s face with one hand, and whispered, “You heard me. Be gay for this poor, dead mob boss.” 

Looking down at Tamaki, Haruhi thought, angrily, I better be getting paid extra for this shit. 

“Uh… hey, Tamaki… so, you know - and I know - that you’ve been a creep recently-” She was cut off by Ed yelling, “What kind of crap is that? I said be gay for that poor, dead mob boss, not cut him up! How do you expect to keep him alive?!” 

Haruhi wanted to shoot Ed in the face. Unfortunately, Police Chief Asshole had given her a limit of two gratuitous kills per mission, so she was kind of stuck. 

Cringing hardcore at the thought of saying anything remotely nice to Tamaki, Haruhi said, “Okay… Tamaki… so, you’re not as big of a tool as I initially thought you were…? Also, I’m pretty sure you’ve foiled Kyoya’s plots to kill me multiple times, so thanks for that.”

“EXCUSE ME?!” The wall behind Haruhi shrieked. Kyoya dropped the sheet of fabric painted to match the wall that he’d been holding up in front of him. Haruhi thought she saw a twenty dollar bill fall out of the back of his pants, but she didn’t want to question it. Instead, she asked, “How long have you been back there and why didn’t you help Tamaki sooner? He’s clearly been shot you piece of shit.” (AN: clearly waiting for a piece of dat ass) (My God)

“How could you lie like that? Tamaki would NEVER foil my plots to kill you!” Kyoya swooped in for a piece of dat ass, holding onto Tamaki’s hand. “Tamaki, my love, you’d never stop me from killing anyone, would you?” (AN: if Tamaki had been awake Kyoya would have had to catch these hands boi.)

“Clearly he’s been foiling your plans since I’m still alive. Either that, or you’re a bigger idiot than I originally gave you credit for.”

“TAMAKI!” Kyoya screamed, throwing himself down onto Tamaki’s chest as he cried. 

“Who… the FUCK… is lying on my chest,” Tamaki growled, his eyes opening for the first time since Haruhi had arrived on the scene. Realizing it was Kyoya, Tamaki shoved him to the ground and attempted to stand up, aided by Ed and Harry. 

Shots rang out and Haruhi saw the looks of shock cross the faces of Ed and Harry before she fully registered what was happened. 

Ed and Harry fell like leaves in the wind, but nothing like that, and in a second both of them were dead, bullet wounds in their heads. (Don’t worry, you don’t have to drink again… yet) (AN: RIP Ghostfacers. Forever will you be missed ~ No one)

“It’s the Lobelia girls!” Tamaki shouted, pointing at the rooftop of the nearest building. Sure enough, when Haruhi looked up she saw the silhouettes of three girls on the rooftop, each of them with sniper rifles in their hands. (AN: 47 shots...no kills.)

Throwing down the guns, the girls jumped from the rooftop, gracefully landing on the ground somehow without breaking a single bone, despite the fact that they had just jumped off of a ten story building. 

“What do you want?” Tamaki growled. “This is Ouran High School Mafia turf.” 

The tallest girl, the one with short brown hair, examined her nails, not bothering to look up at them as she said, sounding bored, “Really? Huh, last time I checked, this was an unclaimed portion of the city…” 

“Well, last time I checked it was claimed, Benio Amakusa,” Tamaki slowly got to his feet, glaring up at them from under his eyelashes. 

If Haruhi hadn’t seen him bawling over stupid shit for the past couple weeks, then she would have been downright terrified by the look on his face. Instead, she was just mildly horrified. She made a mental note to never get on the bad side of Tamaki. 

“Oh no, I’m so sorry!” Benio Amakusa’s eyes opened wide in mock surprise. Smiling wickedly, she pulled a gun out of the back of her uniform and, pointing it at Tamaki, she said, “I guess it won’t be claimed for long, now will it?” 

Kyoya, who had been cowering behind Tamaki up until this point, jumped out in front of him, pulling two guns out of god knows where. (AN: Jokes it came from his ass) (How did I know you’d write that?? I must be psychic) (AN: Exactly.)

“I’ll protect you Tamaki!” Kyoya yelled. He pointed the two guns at each of the Lobelia girls who were standing on either side of the tall, aggressive one. Haruhi hastily pulled out her gun and pointed it at the Benio Amakusa. 

They were now in an odd version of a Mexican Standoff. (AN: Trump is triggered)(Don’t say that name in my house)(AN: But I’m not in your house.)(...)

Unfortunately, Kyoya had made a fatal mistake. 

He had left the safety on both his guns…. What a fucking idiot. (AN: Elsewhere, Police Chief Asshole watches wishing to kill everyone including herself.)

“Shit. Good thing they haven’t noticed the safety’s on both my guns,” Kyoya mumbled. Although, he didn’t exactly mumble. Everyone there heard him. Everyone watching over the street camera (all the officers in the precinct) hear him. Kyoya was the worst. 

The Lobelia girls opened fire. 

Tamaki got shot eight times. (AN: Cheers mates.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how this is what I do with my time. I'm at frickin University taking a foundation year in philosophy before moving on to a double honours in Sociology and Religious studies and this is what I do. Please help me. Also, originally I was planning on testing out the drinking game, but I only had rum and nothing to chase it with but energy drinks and pasta sauce (so I quickly gave up). 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed this drinking game (if you played), and that you were all safe. Have a good day!


	7. Kaoru Dies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A horrible tragedy befalls the host mafia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS THE MOST GRAPHIC CHAPTER IN THE WHOLE FANFICTION! NOT FOR THE WEAK-HEARTED! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!!!

Kaoru died.

...

Yeah.

That's all there is too it.

The chapter's done but I kind of want to fill the page better so for your listening pleasure I've put the lyrics to the greatest song in the world:

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me  
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed  
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb  
In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming  
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running  
Didn't make sense not to live for fun  
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb  
So much to do, so much to see  
So what's wrong with taking the back streets?  
You'll never know if you don't go  
You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play  
Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid  
And all that glitters is gold  
Only shooting stars break the mold

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder  
You're bundled up now, wait till you get older  
But the meteor men beg to differ  
Judging by the hole in the satellite picture  
The ice we skate is getting pretty thin  
The water's getting warm so you might as well swim  
My world's on fire, how about yours?  
That's the way I like it and I never get bored

Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play  
Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid  
All that glitters is gold  
Only shooting stars break the mold

Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play  
Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show, on get paid  
And all that glitters is gold  
Only shooting stars

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas?  
I need to get myself away from this place  
I said yep what a concept  
I could use a little fuel myself  
And we could all use a little change

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming  
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running  
Didn't make sense not to live for fun  
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb  
So much to do, so much to see  
So what's wrong with taking the back streets?  
You'll never know if you don't go (go!)  
You'll never shine if you don't glow

Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play  
Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid  
And all that glitters is gold  
Only shooting stars break the mold

And all that glitters is gold  
Only shooting stars break the mold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All Star by Smash Mouth errybody.


	8. Kaoru’s Funeral (aka I’m filled with an unimaginable sense of self-loathing)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read the Chapter Title.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the characters for Ouran High School Host Club, as well as their story, belong to the creators of the anime and manga. We do not own any of this.

This shit’s under new management (aka I finally changed my damn username… finally). 

Just as a refresher: this chapter is written by Can_o_tuna_balism and all “Author’s Notes” (AN) for this chapter will be done by Jeenius_the_Dork. 

 

It was a bleak day, the day they buried Kaoru. Bleak because it was a Saturday, the funeral was in the morning, and Haruhi had really wanted to sleep in for once. 

Bitterly sipping on her coffee, she adjusted her suit and tie, threw on some shades to hide her eyes from the bright, bright light - a light that was brighter than her future at the police precinct - and stepped out of the taxi she’d taken to the funeral home. (AN: SHADES?! EYES?! HARUHI IS TEREZI CONFIRMED!!!!!)(my god)

The funeral home was empty except for their crew. Hikaru was sitting quietly in a corner, staring at his twin’s open casket, Kaoru’s face just visible from where he was sitting. Haruhi instantly felt her heart go out to him. Even though she hated this whole undercover bullcrap with the Ouran High School Mafia, she knew it must have been hard on Hikaru to lose someone he was so close to. 

The rest of the members of the mafia were mulling about. When Tamaki saw her come in, he winked at her, blew an air kiss (making her cringe hardcore), and then called everyone to attention. 

Standing up at the front, he said, “Now, I think you all know why we’re here….” He paused. “Sea World was closed because of a killer whale incident and now we can’t hold the funeral there… I know, I’m sad too, but look on the bright side, at least there’s free snacks!”

Haruhi knew damn well those snacks weren’t free. She saw one of the funeral attendants nervously adjust the collar of his shirt. Someone was going to die tonight. 

“But really, we’re here today to honor the life of our dear friend and coworker,” Another pause in which Tamaki looked into the open casket at Kaoru’s face. And then he said, “Hikaru.”

Coughing, Haruhi muttered, “Kaoru.”

“What’s that Haruhi? You’re fine? Oh okay. Anyway, Hikaru was a great worker. He was kind, caring, compassionate, and he did one hell of a job as a pimp. I couldn’t have done it better myself.” 

Haruhi tried coughing again a little louder. She said, louder this time, “Kaoru.”

“Haruhi if you need some water, there’s a water fountain right outside,” Tamaki pointed in the general direction of the door. “Now, as I was saying, Hikaru was a kind -” 

“No, you idiot! That’s Kaoru in there!” Haruhi yelled over the sound of Tamaki’s voice.

Tamaki paused, inspecting Kaoru’s corpse. After a minute he said, “Oh, really? Well, him, too, I guess.” 

He went to his seat. 

 

Kyoya was next. 

Haruhi saw him shuffle some papers around. Thinking the papers had his speech on them, Haruhi was impressed that Kyoya had gone to all that effort to commemorate Kaoru’s life. She hadn’t thought the two of them were all that close. 

However, she quickly learned how wrong she was when Kyoya got up to the front and read off of the paper, “$70,000. That’s what Kaoru was bringing in in a month as a pimp.”

Haruhi couldn’t believe what she was hearing. 

“Now, if you compare that to the $120,000 Hikaru was bringing in per month, I believe you will find that, from a monthly income perspective, it was definitely better that Kaoru died.” (AN: if only I could have been the one to die. *when you don't know you have a Bio midterm until the day of the midterm*)(yes)

Kyoya adjusted his glasses, nodded at all of them, and sat down at his seat without another word. 

 

It took all of one second for Haruhi to realize that Honey was baked and smashed out of his fucking mind. 

He stumbled up to the front, staggered a little bit, held up Usa-Chan in an attempt to talk through him, and then fell. 

This was the exact reason why you weren’t supposed to get high off of your own supply. The dude was greening out, and blacking out, both from the weed and the alcohol. 

Mori sprang into action. Gripping Honey under each arm, he hauled him over to his seat and sat him down. 

Haruhi quickly lost interest in Mori’s attempts at administering first aid to Honey and took in her surroundings. 

The room was pretty plain, not much to look at in way of decoration, and it didn’t take Haruhi long to lose interest in that too. 

Just as she was about to turn back around to face the front, Haruhi saw something move out of the corner of her eye. Looking closer, she watched in astonishment as Police Chief Asshole slipped out from behind the potted plant that was sitting in the corner, sneak up to one of the funeral attendants who was distracted by the commotion up at the front of the room, pickpocket him, and disappear around the corner. 

Haruhi only had a few seconds to wonder whether or not this would have negative connotations for the future plot before it was Mori’s turn to deliver a speech. Putting the Police Chief out of her mind, she turned back around to face the front. 

 

Mori slowly made his way up to the front of the room. 

Standing in front of them, he stared, stone faced, at Kaoru’s body before pulling a CD player out of his coat. Haruhi wasn’t sure how it fit in there, but she wasn’t about to ask questions. Especially after seeing the kinds of things Kyoya could hide in his ass. 

Plugging the CD player into the wall, Mori took a CD out of his pocket, delicately placed it in the CD player, and pressed play. 

Instantly, the room was full of the beautiful voice of Steve Harwell, lead singer of Smash Mouth, as he crooned out the band’s popular tune “All Star.” 

Haruhi watched as tears began to roll down Mori’s face. She couldn’t tell if the tears were for Kaoru or for the song, but either way it was wholesome and unbelievably pure. 

 

No one asked Haruhi to give a eulogy. This was good for a number of reasons. 

The first? Haruhi had no idea what she would even say. She hadn’t known Kaoru for long and she hadn’t particularly liked him. Sure, he was good for comic relief, but he’d broken the fourth wall and pissed off the writers. In her eyes, he’d gotten what he deserved. 

Second? Nah, the first answer pretty much covered everything. 

 

Finally, it was Hikaru’s turn. 

Once more, Haruhi felt a pang in her chest when she saw Hikaru’s dejected figure rise and slowly make its way up to the front. 

“It’s difficult, losing a sibling… of course, Kaoru wasn’t just any sibling. He was my twin.” 

Looking down into the casket, Hikaru continued, “It’s haunting, seeing him like this. I almost feel like I’m looking at myself in there. I mean, obviously I’m the more handsome and whatnot, but you get the point.” 

He smiled sadly. Everyone laughed out of obligation at what was clearly his attempt at lightening the mood in the room. 

“I know I’ll miss him. Every pass hour, I miss him.”

A single man tear rolled down his face. He wiped it away, slowly, and said, “Buddy, every teardrop is a waterfall.” 

He glanced at them and muttered, “That’s a quote from a Coldplay song by the same name, in case anyone was wondering.” 

He looked back at the casket and continued, “That was your favorite song, and until now I could never understand why, but now? Now I think I understand. May you rest in peace, my brother.”

Hikaru lowered his head. There was a pause in which Haruhi thought she heard one of the funeral attendants wipe at their eyes. 

Suddenly, Hikaru lifted his head, an evil smile on his face as he said, “Of course, those are all the things I’d say if I actually missed that prick!”

“You know, it sucks sometimes, having a twin. People can’t tell you apart. They mix up which one of you has died, make it seem like it’s your funeral instead of theirs. Well, it’s his funeral now, you assholes, and I couldn’t be more glad!” Haruhi thought she saw Tamaki gulp nervously and duck down into his seat. 

“Do you know how long I’ve been waiting to get his territory? Do you?” He pointed at Mori, who shrugged in response. “Oh come on! Someone just ballpark it! Give me a guess! Anyone? Yes, Honey!” (AN: Ball….park….oh geez…)

Honey, who had managed to rise from his drug and alcohol induced stupor, said something along the lines of “Many” before passing out again. 

Hikaru either didn’t hear Honey’s answer, or didn’t care because he continued on his tangent.

“Yes, Honey, exactly! A long fucking time! And now I finally get to move into his territory, to expand my pimping business to encompass the whole city! Do you know how much money I’ll be bringing in per month? Do you? A lot, that’s how much.”

Gripping Kyoya’s shoulder, he pointed off into the distance and asked, “Can you see it, Kyoya? Can you see the money your sweet ass will be able to roll in? Just imagine it. All those crisp bills against your body.”

Kissing Kyoya on the cheek with a loud smacking sound, he patted Kyoya’s face before running back up to the front where he stood, his back to them. 

After a minute or two of stunned silence from the rest of the Mafia members and maniacal laughing from Hikaru, the turned back around to face them. The last thing he said was:

“I should have eaten him in utero.”

Somewhere, a mic dropped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send me a message on my Tumblr (the same name as my new AO3 Username) if you want some dank memes.


	9. Haruhi's Horrifying Adventure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I question my life choices and rant about shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to mention that when we get to my rants and another choice opinion, this is not me writing things for shits and giggles. 
> 
> Also, other than Police Chief Asshole and whatever scraps of plot you can find we don't own any of this shit. That's about as disclaimer you're going to get from me.

“Haruhiii…” Tamaki sang in an ominous/creepy tone, appearing behind her.

The poor police child was thankful she was holding one of Kyoya’s guns or she may or may not have shot Tamaki by ‘accident’. (And if you know anything about Kyoya now, you can tell it has to be pretty fucking bad for her to be thankful she’s holding something that came from Kyoya’s person.) (AN: DEFINITELY know where that gun has been)

“Yes Tamaki?” she asked, praying to the Iris that she wouldn’t turn the safety of the gun off.

“I need you to get some more cake boxes from the basement.” Tamaki said. The dead silence that followed was enough indication to Harui why he’d failed to be a tool. 

Honey ate all the cake and needed more...now. (Doritos were not an option for this asshole.) 

Haruhi wasn’t particularly ready for the sweet embrace of death today (unlike the author) so she dropped Kyoya’s ass gun and peaced the fuck out towards the basement. Once she established that she was a safe distance away from Honey (and Tamaki) she reduced herself to a walking pace. Didn’t the Chief tell her something about the basement?

 _“Read my Taegi fanfiction.”_ the Chief’s voice rang through her head.

Okay ew. First of all I’m pretty sure Yoongi has pretended to attempt murder on Taehyung multiple times, secondly shipping people non-satirically when they’re not dating is fucking disgusting. Thirdly, Yoongi is not remotely romantically interested in any of the BTS members so you can kindly fuck off. Even if he was, you can still kindly fuck off. (AN: eh lmao, get ‘em) (got ‘em)

Ranting form the author aside (future version Jeenius: don’t worry, there’s more where that came from) Haruhi couldn’t help but believe that was NOT what Police Chief Asshole actually told her. Regardless of what the Chief actually said, Haruhi believed she shouldn’t trust the Chief completely anymore. 

And whatever the warning was (if there was one) it was too late. Haruhi found the basement.

Haruhi flipped on the lightswitch...and was not prepared for what her eyes were feasted upon.

“WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY DO YOU HAVE A TORTURE CHAMBER?! AND WHY ARE THERE FURRY SUITS IN IT?!” Haruhi screeched. From above, Mori silently cried salty tears. No one understood him. *cue emo music* (AN: please save me…)

Careful to not touch any of Mori’s equipment, and avoiding the weird stains on the floor Haruhi maneuvered her way through the room of horrors towards the cake room.

Angels began singing when Haruhi made it to the cake room. This was very short lived, as Betty Crocker was in the room. The Batterwitch (AN: FUCK) (*squeaky windshield wiper laugh*) hissed before disappearing, leaving a bunch of horse sweat flavored cake and a pack of fruit gushers. The lizard author shuddered, cursing Equius and his shitty sweaty towels. 

Almost as disgusted as the author, who was still ranting about shipping, Haruhi picked up the cake boxes but not the gushers (fuck gushers) and turned around. She had to face Mori’s dungeon again. 

She broke off into a sprint, wanting to get through the dungeon as fast as possible. Halfway through the room, Haruhi dropped a cake box into a suspicious stain. She cringed. It was gone.

Quite literally it was gone. The floor sucked the box into the void. The room started rumbling as if there was an earthquake. “Sacrifice has been made. You have summoned me.” a voice that sounded like Cthulhu said. (AN: god, shit just hit the fan) (Yes. Yes it has)

A hole in the ground opened. A platform slowly rose up from the ground revealing a blonde (?) female Haruhi had never seen before.

“Hello.” the girl said, as if she hadn’t just rose from the ground after Cthulhu spoke.

“Who the fuck are you?” asked Haruhi.

“I’m Renge. It feels good to be free.” Renge replied. “I suppose you’re wondering why I was underground. There’s a simple explanation for that. I don’t know. No one knows. Not even the authors know. Now that I’m free, though, I can finally bring peace to the world....by stopping BTS ships!” Renge heroically shouted. (AN: I can attest to the fact that we really don’t have any idea why she’s been underground this whole time. We decided it a year ago, but never gave any explanation) 

Haruhi gasped, feeling enlightened. Someone finally understood her (and the authors’) pain. So many people ruin the lives of BTS everyday by shipping them together and being serious about it despite the fact none of them are in love or confirmed homosexuals. FURTHERMORE I would like to remind you that even if they were, you can shut your filthy mouths about it. If it has somehow slipped your brain BTS live in Korea a country that does **_NOT_** accept gay people. Rap Monster accepting it doesn’t mean shit compared to the millions of other people that don’t. Do you want them to be kicked out of the music industry and publicly shamed? Fanservice and actually being gay is also a **_BIG FUCKING DIFFERENCE_** so don’t even start with me. Finally, if they were then it’s **_NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS AND NOT YOUR PLACE TO TELL THE FUCKING WORLD._**

TL:DR: Stop shipping real people who aren’t in a fucking relationship. (AN: !!!)

“Please...come with me. I can get you out of here.” Haruhi pleaded, finally finding someone she could relate to.

“Aren’t you with the mafia though? Is this something I will regret later?” Renge asked. (AN: NO RUGRATS) (I’m afraid I don’t understand…)

“N-yes. But don’t worry. We’re part of the I hate ships club, I can make sure nothing bad happens to you.” Haruhi said.

Renge shrugged, not seeing how this could play out badly. (Her first mistake of the day)

She followed Haruhi upstairs, giving a questioning stare to the furry suits on the wall.  
“I hate furries.” she whispered. (AN: anyone in a fursuit or a full body costume, in general, scares the crap out of me) (Same)

“Same.” multiple indecipherable voices said (one of them being Haruhi).

More heavenly light filled Haruhi’s eyes. They were out again. Oh happy day! Haruhi turned to Renge to see that she was not as happy as Haruhi was. There was a promise of death in her eyes.

“Which one of you dingleberries is a fucking furry?” she asked. She pointed to Tamaki. “It’s you isn’t it?” 

Mori’s sigh of relief was almost unnoticed. Key word: almost.

“YOU!” she yelled, pulling a rifle out from her jacket and pointed it at Mori. “You must pay for your crimes.” (AN: oh no… dude….. Aw man) (??)

By some mysterious force, when Renge pulled the trigger all the bullets redirected to Tamaki. He fell with a thud. (AN: HHAAAAAH) Renge looked like she didn’t give a shit that she shot the man, whereas Kyoya screamed about revenge...and tried to figure out how to use a gun again.

Haruhi sighed, leaving to get the first aid kit after dropping the cake boxes on the table.

She passed by a room where some very questionable sounds were coming from. It seemed like Hikaru was trying to sing the Pokemon theme song again despite the fact the little shit couldn’t speak English and was drunk off his ass thanks to the drinking game chapter.

In the next room was the first aid kit and a radio. The radio mysteriously turned on, right as Haruhi grabbed the kit. 

_“In other news the Happy Days Retirement Center is investigating the loss of a lot of important shit. No joke, this script just says important shit. One employee claims he saw a strange individual sneak into one of the back rooms around the time this shit went missing. Said employee was soon distracted by a very distressed child who smelled like weed and alcohol so I question the validity of their claims. And now for the weather brought to you by Kim Seokjin, kinkshamer extraordinaire.”_

Haruhi remembered Police Chief Asshole’s strange behavior on that day. And the chief also snuck into a back room during Honey’s shitfest. Would the chief...no...it had to be a coincidence. (AN: to clarify, the Kaoru’s funeral was at Happy Days Retirement Center: Where you immortalize your love for you dead in the form of a classy ceremony and casket)

“Oh right...Tamaki’s been shot.” Haruhi said, hearing the screams of agony over her thoughts. She’d worry about the chief later.

After Haruhi exited the room a dark ominous figure stepped out of a cabinet. “All according to plan.”

“Haruhi!!!” Tamaki cried, seeing the smol child with a first aid kit.

Haruhi blinked back the tears of regret in her eyes and valiantly continued on with her task of saving this idiot’s life again.

“You’ve come to rescue me, my love.” Tamaki continued.

Haruhi had to muster her most deadpan face she could so her next words would hopefully go through Tamaki’s dense head. “Have you tried taking a long look in the mirror, and then fucking yourself?” she asked.

After Tamaki’s ass had been saved again, Renge had been ‘kindly asked’ to leave the mafia headquarters before she accidentally killed someone. Haruhi was sad to see her one and only friend leave her, knowing she’d be stuck with all the bullshit of the club alone again. 

This is why you shouldn’t be a furry kids. Friendship is lost because of it.”

-Some really long time later-

Renge walked through the poorly lit streets. There were some people painted gray performing some sort of satanic ritual in the park. Renge was disturbed, so she walked faster. (AN: oh no did they have horns???? *Cue my past Homestuck cosplays rising from the ashes and becoming sentient*) (Y-no. *looks around suspiciously*)

One of the gray people started following Renge, naturally Renge began walking even faster. Her life decisions were proven to be even more poor than before when she walked straight into the waiting arms of a STRONG man that smelled like milk, sweat and regrets.

“Hey does this smell like chloroform to you?” asked the man, holding a rag to Renge’s face.

And no one saw Renge ever again.

The person painted in grey removes their glasses. The readers notice something shocking...it's Police Chief Asshole. *cue the X-Files theme song*

(AN: I’d just like to say that I was really hungover when I left these author’s notes in the chapter. Not going to lie, I almost drunk posted a chapter last night, decided that was NOT a good idea, and now everyone is better off) (AN: I just read through the comments I left and I honestly don’t remember many of them… stay safe out there kids) (Nice *okay fingers*)


	10. Side Chapter 2: Tamaki Gets a Monocle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tamaki gets a monocle because I'm bored and don't have the energy to play Overwatch.

Haruhi stared forward into the void, trying to pay attention to Police Chief Asshole's pointless bullshit. It was proving to be quite the task because, again, this is fucking Police Chief Asshole we're talking about. The character that was supposed to show up once but we add in for comedic relief an some other possible reason we will not explore yet.

Just as Haruhi was about to flip her shit, she noticed something out of the corner of her eye. Something blonde. Something stupid. Haruhi sniffed the air.

Yup.

A loud window squeak resounds through the room. Police Chief Asshole and Haruhi turned towards the window only to notice Tamaki with his face pressed up against it and a crazed look on his face.

"What the fuck does he want now?" Haruhi asked.

"Lol idk." Police Chief Asshole replied, completely void of emotion lie most people who type lol are. Now you may be thinking, Jeenius this is a verbal conversation...

"Haruhiiiiiii~" Tamaki creepily sang. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small piece of circular glass attached to a chain.

"I bought a monocle." he said.

Haruhi reached for the cord, tugging on it so the blinds would fall. Fall they did. Onto the floor. Broken. Just like her hopes and dreams.

Haruhi looked back at Police Chief Asshole, who had a less than pleased look on her face. "You're paying for that." the Chief said.

Haruhi screeched loudly, running through the wall. Glass shattered everywhere. It was a gigantic mess. Tamaki lay on the ground in a puddle of his own piss and tears, staring up at Haruhi. 

"Haruhi I'm sorry!! I'll pay this kind person who is probably just a DVa cosplayer and not a real Police Officer for you." Tamaki said, pulling out his wallet. He opened it, a cloud of dust poofed out revealing a lonely french fry. Fuck. He forgot Kyoya wasn't giving him anymore money after he decided to buy the monocle. Not that Kyoya should really be one to talk, Tamaki knew what actually happened to the money that mysteriously disappears on occasion. 

The popo was having none of Tamaki's shit right now. She pulled out her gun aiming it at Tamaki. Whispering wicked words on temporial winds, she turned off the safety, unlike some other asshole we knew.

"If you kill him you have to clean up the mess." Police Chief Asshole called, opening her laptop, which she probably shouldn't have with her.

Haruhi inhaled. No. She wasn't going to clean up Tamaki's hideous body. Not Today. 

-

Jeenius waved her arm presenting the newest side chapter to her coauthor. The lizard hissed in disgust.

"What the fuck is this shit?" asked the lizard.

"The meaning of life." Jeenius replied.

The lizard author reached into their jacket pocket revealing a gun.

"Wait what are you doing I'm not a character in this fanfiction?" asked Jeenius.

"It's time. You may have rebooted your exe file temporaily. But I'm putting an end to this now." the liizard replied. 

Bang.

Jeenius goes down.

**DEAD**

The lizard removes its mask. It turns out the lizard was actually the person who endorses shipping real people. They smiled over Jeenius' corpse before turning dramatically like a supervillian.

-

"My servants never die." a voice called.

The author was brought back to life thanks to an AU version of an Overwatch character thanks to a fucking cosmetic. 

"WHATS UP SLUTS! GUESS WHO JUST CAME BACK FROM DEATH!" the author yelled. The Witch regretted her actions, but was unable to reverse them.

Thus...Jeenius dies. And Idiot_the_Jerk was born.


	11. Absolute Assfuckery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My Immortal. A Ghost Ass. Self-loathing. 
> 
> These are all things you can expect from this chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> **NOTICE**
> 
> I can't remember if we explained this shit already or not, but my co-author and I decided to change shit up a little. Rather than planning our own chapters, we will be planning the chapter that the other person is going to be writing and then they have to write whatever it is that we planned. This chapter, I, Can_o_tuna_balism handed over the planning reigns to my co-author and she came up with a bunch of random shit for me to write. I then had to follow the planning document idea for idea. This will go on for the next six chapters. 
> 
> We will be referring to these chapters as the "Black Butler Season 2" of the fanfic because it's going to make absolutely no sense, distract from the actual storyline, and be completely useless in the long run. 
> 
> We hope you have as much fun reading this as we had writing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, we don't own any of this shit. All the characters and the original story belong to the creators of Ouran High School Host Club. 
> 
> This chapter was written by Can_o_tuna_balism, but planned by my co-author. Read the Chapter Summary for more info on that.

Jeenius sat on her onyx throne stroking her pet cat. The cat was ginger. However, this was no ordinary cat. Where it’s face should have been…. Where it’s face… Oh god… oh dear god why.

 

You scream.

 

The cat’s face isn’t a cat’s face at all. Instead, it is the face of Geoffrey, the stuck up little shit from Game of Thrones.

 

A shocking turn of events for sure, but is it really? I mean, if you’ve made it this far you know that this fanfic is fucked up.

 

BTW I am constantly consumed with self-loathing due to this fanfic. I just wanted you all to know that. (AN: #feelsbadman)

 

Geoffrey, the cat with the human face, jumps down off of Jeenius’ lap and onto the floor. He skitters away, making some weird sound that’s somewhere between a meow and an inhuman screech.

 

“Geoffrey shut up, you little shit,” Jeenius yells.

 

 **(“** SNIPER!!!” Whoops Jeenius is ded...again.)

 

*Insert “Okay Fingers” Here*

 

 

Your name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way. You think you’re extremely badass, but you’re tired after having to go back in time to seduce Voldemort in order to stop him from killing everyone. After seducing him, you return to the present and proceed to Mary Sue your way through life. Plot? What Plot? Why would you need a plot when you can just make Hagrid into a teenager so he can fall in love with you? While you’re at it, why not throw in “Snap” and “Loopin” being pedophiles and doing it in the middle of the empty hall (AND DOBBY WAS WAAAAATTCHING)? (AN: My will to live. where did it go?)

 

Yes, Ebony, you are the light in the Dark’ness, the true hero we have been looking for. And when “Dumblydore” caught you and emo Draco bangin’ in the woods (he put his thingy in my you-know-what and we did it for the first time), that was the moment when we all knew you were the Chosen OneTM.

 

 

~ Commercial Break. We’ll be back after these messages. ~

 

ANNOUNCER: Feeling down because you can’t get it up?

 

_Cis dude looks down sadly at a pile of cucumber, bananas and eggplants._

 

ANNOUNCER: Then say no more. * _Musical flourish_ * Introducing the Extend-A-WillyTM, the new revolutionary product that enhances your… product.

 

_Cis dude from before is seen throwing the pile of cucumbers, bananas and eggplants off a balcony._

 

ANNOUNCER: No longer will you experience penis envy, because handy troubles? You won’t have any. You’ll never be more reproductive than when you’re using the Extend-A-WillyTM. Don’t wait! Order yours today!

 

 _Cis dude holding an Extend-A-Willy_ _TM_ _looks down at his nethers_

Cis Dude: You Silly Willy!

 

~This programming has been brought to you by the orange cheeto who runs the country between Canada and Mexico. Pretty sure that man has a dick that chodes would laugh at. I’m not even sorry for throwing this theory out there. Enjoy~ (AN: Eunuchs have a bigger d that the orange cheeto)

 

 

The members of the Host Club were holed up in their warehouse. For the past four nights they had locked themselves inside.

 

They were all fairly certain that they’d seen a ghost.

 

It had all started the week before when each member of the Host Club had been visited by a ghost, night after night. At first, none of them had wanted to say anything, but eventually, they had been overcome with the horror of their situation. By the end of the week they had all run into the host club and blurted out simultaneously, “I think I saw the ghost of Kaoru’s ass!”

 

Yes. Kaoru’s ass. (AN: I'm so glad this is happening.)

 

For years, Kaoru had been promising the members of the Host Club Mafia that if he ever died, he would make sure his ass came back to haunt them. What they had all taken as a joke had finally come true.

 

They were terrified.

 

“W-what should we do?” Tamaki was huddled in the middle of the other members of the Host Club, penguin style, using the rest of the members as a shield against the cold warehouse.

 

“We kill him,” Honey grumbled, Usa-Chan held up to his face.

 

“Honey, you can’t kill what’s already dead,” Mori mumbled.

 

“Hikaru, it’s the ghost of _your_ brother’s ass. What do you think we should do?” Tamaki was practically peeing himself from fear as he said this. He had seen plenty of ghosts in his time, but never the ghost of a former Host Club Mafia member’s ass. This was whole new territory for him. Was he strangely aroused? (AN: NOOOOOO!!!)  Sure. But that wasn’t going to help him in this situation… _Or would it?_ He thought. He was about to express said thought when Hikaru turned to look at him.

 

Hikaru’s face was one of absolute terror. Blood curdling terror that made Tamaki actually pee his pants. Honey screeched in annoyance, attempting to move away from the puddle that was slowly growing beneath Tamaki. Mori, who was sitting between Honey and Kyoya, thought he heard Kyoya moan faintly. (AN: I'm pained.)

 

“He’s done it. He’s finally done it,” Hikaru finally managed to whisper, his lips trembling.

 

“What do you mean, Hikaru?” Honey asked, his voice all sweet and innocent, barely covering the terror he, too, was feeling.

 

“Kaoru has been practicing necromancy for his whole life. It is fabled that the day we left the womb he came out clutching a book on necromancy. Ever since then, he’s been obsessed with making sure his ass comes back to haunt me in the afterlife.”

 

“Why’s that?” Kyoya asked.

 

“I’ve… I’ve always been jealous that he had a nicer ass than me. He wanted me to be reminded for the rest of my life of that fact,” Hikaru sadly turned to look at his own ass, grabbing it solemnly. “I know, it’s messed up, but I guess, in a way, this was always how it was meant to be….”

 

Confused silence ensued.

 

“Wait…. You mean to tell me that the whole reason why we’re being haunted by a ghost ass is because you were jealous your twin had a better ass than you?” Kyoya asked.

 

“Yeah, that doesn’t even make sense! What would have happened if you had died before him? Then there’d be no point in this whole thing! His ghost ass would have nothing to haunt!” Tamaki shrieked.

 

Kyoya took out a walkie-talkie and muttered into it, “Shoot him.” Tracers immediately showed up on Hikaru, all of them aimed directly at his ass.

 

“No, wait! He could be our way out!” Tamaki yelled. “Drop your weapons, all of you!”

 

The tracers remained.

 

Tamaki shot Kyoya a fierce look. With a sigh, Kyoya said into the walkie-talkie, “You heard him. Lower your weapons.” Quietly, though, he said, “Keep your guns at the ready in case this goes… south. I don’t need Tamaki getting shot again.” (AN: poor naive Kyoya…)

 

The **_EXTREMELY. CONVENIENT. SPOTLIGHT_ ** from the first chapter suddenly appeared ten feet away from the Mafia. The puddle below Tamaki grew slowly bigger as the ghost of Kaoru’s plush ass floated into the middle of the extremely convenient spotlight.

 

“Ooooooooooo guys. It’s me. The ghost of Kaoru’s leg meats,” Kaoru’s ghost ass said. (AN: yesssss!!! it happened!! Also this quote totally wasn't borrowed from an Overwatch comic replacing Genji with Kaoru. Nope. We’d never do that.)

 

This statement was completely redundant. The members of the Host Club Mafia already knew who this gloriously plush ass was.

 

Just as Tamaki’s number one problem was about to turn into a number two problem, the doors of the warehouse blew open.

 

Haruhi, in a bathrobe and a sleep mask that said, ‘Fuck off’ on it, was positively seething as she took in the situation before her.

 

“What the FUCK is so important that you dumbasses had to call me here in the middle of the god damn night?!” She screamed.

 

Tamaki wet himself again.

 

Kaoru’s ghost ass turned it’s brilliant ass cheeks to face Haruhi.

 

“Hello, Haruhi, I see you’re doing well.”

 

“Um… who the fuck is this?” Haruhi asked, pointing at the ghost ass.

 

“It seems we haven’t been properly introduced. Pity, I completely forgot that you were a member of our Mafia. As I said to them, ‘It’s me. The ghost of Kaoru’s leg meats.’”

 

“Ouch. Rude much? Also, what the fuck. Is this what you dingleberries do in your spare time? Find ways to bring your ghost asses back to life?” (AN: yes it is)

 

“I am merely a product of my own circumstances. Although, one could argue that I’m really the brainchild of Jeenius, who, through Can_o_tuna_balism, is making all this shit happen.” (AN: Jeenius is dead. Only Idiot remains.)

 

“Are you -” Haruhi cut herself off. Sighing, she rubbed her temples and said, “No, of course. Why didn’t I see it before? It’s all so simple. This shit is way too fucked up to be part of the regular fanfic we’re living in.”

 

Looking over at the two writers, who were sitting in the corner, she asked accusingly, “What do you have to say for yourselves?”

 

The author writing this chapter turns to look at you, the readers. You are stuck in this with us. There is no escape. In order to have come this far into our fanfiction you must be absolutely consumed with self-loathing. We would know. We are too. However, we know you’ll be back. They _always_ come back. That’s the whole point of the self-loathing. You continue to do things that are bad for you because you know - you KNOW - that it’s bad for you, but you just can’t stay away. We feed our bad habit by feeding yours. Sleep tight knowing that we know your secret, and you now know ours.

 

Now, I was told in the planning document that Jeenius and I share that I need to spend five pages describing Kaoru’s ghost ass. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do. You won’t be able to tell if I’ve actually written five pages of description, but you’re going to have to trust me on this one. After all, I’m your shitty fanfic dealer. Dealing out that shitty fanfic you crave so that you can get your fix. Enjoy.

 

The ghost of Kaoru’s ass floated in the middle of the extremely convenient spotlight. This marvelous rump, this scrumptious derriere, this positively popping posterior, floated, as if weightless, in the air.

 

Of course, now that it was a ghost ass, it was technically (for all intents and purposes) weightless. In life, though, it had truly been something else.

 

Kaoru’s fantastical fanny had been the pride and joy of the Mafia, as much as they would try not to admit it. It was even considered to be the pride and joy of the cops who were attempting to bust the Host Club Mafia. Not a single member of Haruhi’s task force would deny that Kaoru had the most pillowy of backside cushions. They had all fantasized about being the ones to cop a feel of that fine ass during a pat down upon his arrest. (AN:...)

 

Even before Haruhi had been asked to join the task force, back when she was just a grunt, a nobody in the police force, she had heard tales of this magnificent caboose. Had she been given the chance to ride that train, she most certainly would have said yes.

 

However, she had been ordered by Police Chief Asshole to keep things professional, which was totally hypocritical coming from Minasae.

 

Upon closer inspection of Kaoru’s ghost ass, Haruhi noticed that it looked as if were made of a glistening diamond, if that diamond were soft and nothing at all like a diamond. She felt that if she were to lay her tired head upon it it would feel as if she were being caressed by a million angel’s feathers.

 

“May I touch you?” She whispered. (AN: what…) She hadn’t realized that she had come within a foot of the ghost ass until she felt it’s soft breath on her face. She had never realized that one’s flatulence could be so soft and sweet.

 

“Touch me, Haruhi. Fulfill the prophecy,” Kaoru’s ass beckoned to her, a million questions and answers floating in its glorious dimples.

 

Reaching out a trembling hand slowly, Haruhi felt herself involuntary take in a quick breath as her fingertips made contact.

 

Instantly, she felt as if she had been transported to another world. A world where everything was beautiful, where Tamaki didn’t exist, and where she could live a normal life surrounded by wonder. It was a place devoid of pain, sickness, death, and fear. A utopia within the plushest of utopias.

 

She could feel Kaoru’s firm yet soft ghost ass underneath her fingertips. Did she dare to flatten her palm against it?

 

A voice that could only be categorized as godly whispered to her, “Just… Do It.” (AN: Hello Shia LaBeouf. I didn't know you broke out of hell again.)

 

So she did.

 

Haruhi had slipped into a different world. In this world, a delicate backside had taken her by the hand and led her into a magical adventure.

 

This most perfect of all perfections was firm in all the right places. She let her hands trail across it.

 

Wherever her fingers touched, lights appeared, drawing patterns across the skin like a wondrous kaleidoscope of color and design. She could have spent years getting lost in the artwork she saw appearing before her.

 

The lights appeared to be coming from just below the skin’s surface, yet she knew that they were not of this world. She knew that if she scratched the surface of the skin it would immediately close behind her, as if the cut had never been there. This ass felt no pain. It was blessed with everlasting perfection and peace.

 

Marked as one of the wonders of the world, she had not been surprised when immediately upon Kaoru’s death many buyers had appeared, wanting to mount it on their museum walls for the world to see. Yet, Kaoru had made sure that he had included in his last will and testament that his ass went to his grandmother, who, despite having died ten years before, had always said how much she had wanted to preserve his ass. It had been cremated and added to her ashes, preserved forever in her memory.

 

Moving her face closer, she sniffed the ghost ass’s ass crack. It smelled like a mix between freshly mown grass, a stiff glass of scotch, and rapdaddy fanfic (aka angsty tweens). It was a mix that few would forget and it circled Haruhi’s head.

 

She licked the ass crack. It tasted like butter and dreams.

 

With a sound like a vacuum, Haruhi’s head was sucked into the ghost ass. Rather than being balls deep in a squealing hog, she was shoulder deep in Kaoru’s ghost rump.

 

The rump was plush like a smuppet and it told her that “every little thing was gonna be alright.”

 

She had officially gone down the rabbit hole - if Kaoru’s butt could be considered a rabbit hole.

 

Haruhi began to free fall through space. As she fell, she passed by objects that seemed to be suspended in time. She passed a bedazzled butt plug, a mannequin head, and a small dog - all of which were named “Frank.”

 

She heard singing from below, and felt herself slowing down in her fall.

 

As she got closer to the sound of singing, she realized it was coming from Frank Sinatra. But it wasn’t fully Frank Sinatra. Instead, it was Frank Sinatra’s severed head mounted on a wall. Much like one of those singing fish plaques, Sinatra was singing, his face devoid or emotion or life, but his mouth moving nonetheless.

 

Below Sinatra sat a tiny little troll man. His name was Danny DeVito and he was sitting at a typewriter. Every five seconds the typewriter would _ding_ and a label would pop out with the name “Frank” on it in big letters. He would tape it to an object floating by.

 

As Haruhi passed, she tried to get DeVito’s attention.

 

“Hello? Mr. DeVito? I need some assistance. I appear to be lost.”

 

DeVito didn’t answer. With a _ding_ a new label appeared in his hands and he promptly taped it to Haruhi’s shirt.

  
  
  


“Umm… what’s happening right now?” Hikaru asked. He had left as soon as Haruhi had started feeling up his twin brother’s ghostly ass and now returned with a drink in hand. He had no idea as to how Haruhi had even managed to shove her head so far up someone else’s ass when her head - in his opinion - was already so far up her own.

 

“Shhhhhh… don’t ruin it,” Tamaki hissed, taking another photo with his camera. This was the kind of shit he needed to document.

 

“It appears your brother’s rump has managed to seduce Haruhi,” Kyoya said, pushing his glasses up his nose. In his mind he was already calculating how much money he could make off of the photos Tamaki was taking. The answer? A lot.

 

“I wonder what Haruhi’s seeing…” Honey mused.

 

“If anything, I’d imagine Haruhi is roaming a Skyrim dungeon, fighting off Draugr and collecting cash like it’s no one’s business. You go, Haruhi, you download that Hearthfire expansion and buy Lakeview manor after becoming the Thane of Falkreath,” Mori muttered.

 

The members of the Mafia turned to look at him. None of them had time to question this reference, though, they had bigger fish to fry.

 

“Uuuhhh…. Should we maybe remove Haruhi from this most likely shitty situation?” Honey asked.

 

“Nah, if I know my brother, he definitely douched beforehand.”

 

“Can ghost butts douche?” Kyoya asked, pulling out his clipboard and a pen.

 

“What? No. Shut up Kyoya.” Tamaki chucked his camera at Kyoya’s head. “And go develop that film. I want those pictures ready for my Haruhi scrapbook within an hour.”

 

“Yes, Daddy.”

 

“Excuse me? What did you just -” Tamaki was cut off by a sound that was akin to that of a wet fart, but much more deadly.

 

The Mafia watched in horror as Haruhi’s lifeless body dropped to the ground. Tamaki dove across the floor and caught Haruhi’s body in his arms.

 

Haruhi had been decapitated by the ghost ass. It laughed menacingly.

 

“Haruhi’s head will be kept warm in my ass forever!” It yelled.

 

“NOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll better be listening to the new K.A.R.D. song or I'm going to be disappointed with you. BTW follow my account if you want to read a siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick story about Guy Fieri and the dude from Smash Mouth, which will be titled, "Theft Me, Daddy." I'm dropping that shit soon. 
> 
> ^I'm giving myself props for that shameless self-promotion.
> 
>  
> 
> I honestly wish I could claim that I was drunk when writing this, but I'm stone cold sober. Someone please save me from myself.


	12. Non-Fiction Documentaries (001-221)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The authors worked on the planning doc in a public library a few months ago. This happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> K so like last chapter explained, we planned each other's chapters, so this one was planned by my lizard friend (can_o_tuna_balism). We weren't kidding when we said this was happening for like six chapters. Be prepared for this shit.
> 
>  
> 
> Also yada yada we don't own any of this shit except for whatever plot you've found in this fic and Police Chief Asshole.

To start off this chapter of I’d like to mention I'm in the middle of watching Gravity Falls (aka the best cartoon made after 2010). I'd also like to take this time to talk to you about my rapidly growing Funko pop collection. I need help. (AN: I’ll start a “Funko Pops Anonymous” just for you) (Awesome. Thanks.)

Okay so now for the actual story.

The authors sit at a table in the library. The table is off in the corner close to a very sad looking potted plant and a bunch of old computers that probably still run Windows 98. The authors are using a laptop and a cellphone to write their fanfic because FUCK WINDOWS!

One of the authors, the dead one, really needs to pee (except she doesn't). The lizard author is done with the dead author’s shit. They start talking about EXID and how cool they are. EXID is really fucking cool.

Looking ahead the lizard author laughs looking at one of the signs on the bookshelves. It says Non-fiction Documentaries (001-221). The dead author is extremely confused about how that can be funny but doesn't question it.

The bell for the school attached to the library chimes. The authors freeze. The angsty teens are coming.

Five minutes pass and it turns out it was just a false alarm. No angsty teens were coming. They sigh in relief and continue writing the fanfiction.

The dead author chokes on air. (AN: I love how I’m the lizard author.. Like my face does kind of make me look like a lizard when I’m being all smug) (I think you’re the lizard author for shits and giggles.)

-

The host mafia was caught in a very strange predicament. The headquarters were quiet. Too quiet for a place where Tamaki leads. 

They'd been waiting for Tamaki for at least two hours now. Kyoya was too busy rolling in his money piles again to notice. He'd probably notice after needing Tamaki to pull something out of his ass again.

“Where the fuck is Tamaki?” Hikaru asked. He sat on an extremely sweaty couch chewing some stale bubblegum. 

“Have you checked inside Kaoru’s ghost ass?” Honey asked, twisting the head of a unicorn off. The fluff of the unicorn poured out of its neck. He then snorts a line of coke.

The X-files music started playing. A blue orb materialized in front of the rest of the club (minus Kyoya). The orb had the slight smell of freshly mown grass, a stiff glass of scotch and Rap Daddy fanfics.

It was Kaoru’s ghost ass.

“Guys it's me. Kaoru.” the ball said.

They already knew.

“To find the idiot you must catch them all.” Kaoru said.

“What?” Hikaru asked. No one understood what the fuck Kaoru was talking about. And by extension they have no idea what I'm talking about.

The butt finally took form, turning towards Mori. Mori stood still. Staring forward waiting for someone to appreciate him. 

“U n w o r t h y.” The butt’s voice changed into something demonic. Mori was enveloped in a cloud of blue smoke. Something that sounded suspiciously a lot like the Tardis and Tracer’s ungodly screeching came from inside the cloud.

The cloud dissipated revealing a roomba in its place. (AN: FUCK I forgot this was the chapter where Mori turns into a roomba… even though I planned this chapter… well damn)

Haruhi looked towards the authors with a neutral face of displeasure, gesturing to the roomba. “What in the fuck?” she asked.

The roomba booped a couple of times before taking off towards the door. The rest of the host mafia ran after the mafia. Kyoya exited out of his money closet seeing the rest of the mafia following a roomba. 

“What are you doing?” Kyoya yelled.

“Following this roomba that used to be Mori to find Tamaki!” Hikaru yelled.

Kyoya began running after them. The roomba stopped, spinning towards Kyoya.

“Put on some pants you fucking weeb.” the roomba hissed. (AN: I’m crying)

Minutes later the rest of the mafia finally convinced Kyoya to wear pants. The roomba took off towards the door again.

-

Meanwhile in the Police Headquarters the disposable police officers watched Police Chief Minasae playing Overwatch on her laptop. They watched as she chose the moody archer man who screamed a lot. People in the game’s chat were screaming at the Chief. 

But who knows why? Hanzo is great. (Jokes I hate Hanzo.)

The Chiefs teammates and disposable associates watched in horror as Police Chief Asshole actually did well playing Hanzo.

“What is this witchcraft?” one of the officers asked.

The Chief’s head turned 180 degrees, staring directly into the eyes of the officer. The officer swore he could see his worst nightmares in the Chief’s eyes. (AN: I wasn’t aware Minasae was a god damn owl) (When you watch Gravity Falls and shit just happens.) (AN: truer words have never been spoken) (I fucking love Gravity Falls….)

“H a n z o.” the Chief whispered.

“What?” the officer asked.

“H A N Z O!!” the Chief screamed.

Suddenly the head of an old broody Japanese archer man burst out of the Chief’s chest screaming, “Ryu ga waga teki wo kurau!” (AN: Fuck.)

Two dragons burst out of the Chief’s mouth flying off into the distance.

Elsewhere, Kyoya watched in horror as two angry blue dragons came towards him like a freight train. 

“Save me daddy.” Kyoya whispered, pulling out a picture of Tamaki. (AN: fuck me right up)

Kyoya swore he heard Tamaki’s voice say “Fuck off.” in his mind.

The dragons went straight through Kyoya. 

DEAD

Kyoya’s lifeless body lay on the ground. Some guy who looked like he belonged in a cult walked down the street, seeing the lump of Kyoya’s corpse. The man knelt down beside the dead man.

He reached into Kyoya’s pocket producing a bunch of breadsticks, a strange smelling pair of tweezers and Kyoya’s wallet. The cult man opened the wallet and pulled out the various credit cards, stacks of cash and fake ID’s Kyoya kept. (AN: dude wtf…) (Idk man. I just write words and hope they form sentences.) (AN: honestly? same)

He wouldn't need them anymore.

A piece of paper fell out of the wallet just as the man was about to put Kyoya’s wallet back. On the piece of paper was the passwords and pins for all of Kyoya’s banking information and a website called Club Penguin. The man pocketed the piece of paper too, even though all the passwords were tamakim4rryMeXD and ran off.

(For reference the cult guy is Nekozawa.) (AN: thank you)

-  
Back to the authors. The dead author is sitting in front of her laptop. A BlackPink video plays in the background. Their newest song is stuck in the dead author’s head. So is Red Velvet’s new song but not as much as BLACKPINK IN YO AREA!!! (AN: BOOMBAYAH!!!!) (NO!!)

The dead author gets distracted. This wasn’t supposed to happen in the chapter but it is now. You can’t stop her. This is her life now. Being dead and listening to too much kpop. (but not TWICE because ew.)

She tries to remember what they saw in the library (because this is being written months after the actual library adventure) but it’s futile. She doesn’t remember what the library is like other than old and somewhat smelly. I’m pretty sure the building that the library is in is 70 years old or something. It’s also attached to an athletic facility. This place has everything. A school, library and athletic center. (AN: there are two floors. The top floor is the one attached to the school and it has a teen section, a row of computers, and the regular library sections. The bottom floor is a big kid’s section and it’s attached to the athletic centre.) 

Hamilton suddenly starts playing. Fuck. This is really fucking distracting, but total silence is boring. Please save my soul.

Ok to be completely honest this segment is just here to waste space so this chapter can be slightly longer. There’s only one more part that’s actually planned and I’m not done with this chapter yet. 

So…

How’s your day going?

Clearly mine is the most exciting thing in the world. I’m writing the world’s worst fanfiction after My Immortal and Learning and Sburbing. (I’m not entirely sure if that’s still a thing.) (AN: Learning and Sburbing is still fucking garbage)

What the fuck should I be talking about right now?

Do you want to hear about my dog?

No?

 

Well that sucks. I’m going to write about the cutest ball of fluff ever. (AN: SO FLUFF!!!!!!)

As the dead author is about to start talking about her dog, she suddenly hears booping over the sounds of SHINee. The author freezes. Turning, the author sees a roomba inching towards her and her dog. 

She doesn’t own a roomba.

“What the fuck is this?” the roomba asks.

The roomba is speaking. That could only mean one thing...she was still in hell.

“It’s the next chapter.” the author replies.

“No. This is horseshit. The rest of the chapter is supposed to be about me reclaiming my honor.” the roomba says. (AN: get ‘em roomba Mori, get ‘em)

The author frowns. Way for the fucking spoiler alert roomba. 

The author doesn’t feel like finishing the chapter anymore. The roomba hurt her feelings. Now you’ll never know how he reclaims his honor, or if her reclaims his honor. You did this Mori. You did this to yourself.

You’ll never find honor.

Out of the roomba bursts Zuko from Avatar the Last Airbender.

Well this is more fucked up than before.

What the fuck is happening right now? I swear no drugs were involved in writing this chapter. Or alcohol because I’m intolerant to that shit.

“I must reclaim my honor.” Zuko says, unphased about how he’s in some dumb Asian girl’s house with a talking roomba. (and a cute fluffy dog.)

The author continues typing pointless blather. She refuses to finish the chapter.

“I’m looking for my honor too, Zuko. My honor was taking away when I was mysteriously turned into a roomba by the ghost butt of one of my...associates.” Mori said. (Haha. Butt puns.)

“I’ll help you find your honour if you help me find mine.” Zuko says. He then broods in the corner for a good five minutes. Trying to entice the dog to come over to him. The dog continues sleeping, not giving a single shit.

“Of course.” the roomba says. He would have made a blood pact with Zuko if roombas had blood.

“To reclaim your honour you must journey into the unknown, where no one else want to go. A dark place of lost hopes and dreams.” Zuko explains.

Mori is silent for a good long minute.

“So I have to go into Kyoya’s ass?” he asks.

“Sure. I guess.” Zuko says, hoping that was some sort of metaphor.

It’s not Zuko. It’s not a metaphor.

“Go to the Southern Water tribe, Prince Zuko. Everything will make sense after that.” Mori says.

Zuko is sucked into the abyss (aka back into the land of Avatar the Last Airbender). He’s not entirely sure why he needs to go to the Southern Water tribe, but as the talking roomba said, it would all make sense after. 

The roomba fizzles out of existence leaving the dead author and her dog alone in her house. The author realises what she’s typed into the chapter. The real ending to the chapter.

“FUCK!” she screams.

Don’t trust roombas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WAIT FUCK I JUST REALIZED I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!


	13. It's December Scrubs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> end my suffering please

"WHICH ONE OF YOU FUCKS SPIKED THE EGGNOG?!" Hunny screamed.

Kyoya and the twins cowered in fear from the enraged hitman pointed to a noticeably drunk Tamaki who was prancing around the headquarters singing to Justin Beiber very loudly. 

Haruhi walked through the door, immediately walking back out after witnessing the assfuckery going on in the mafia headquarters. She didn't get paid enough to do this...she didn't even get paid to do this. Please save Haruhi.

"Nobody spiked the eggnog Hunny." Mori said.

Hunny's arm waved towards Tamaki again, who was now singing a song by some Youtuber with a gigantic forehead. "Look at this, bitch. Look at this and tell me our dumbass boss isn't drunk. fuCKING LOOK AT HIM." HUnny yelled.

Mori looked at Tamaki. Tamaki held the carton of eggnog he'd been drinking and was studying the package very carefully.

"WHY DO WE HAVE EGGNOG FROM 1982? OUR BITCHASSES WEREN'T EVEN BORN YET?!" Tamaki yelled.

Moments later Tamaki's body fell to the ground. A hole blasted through the ceiling revealing the Lobelia girls on an expensive looking helicopter

"Yes! It was us who gave you the eggnog. Your mafia will fall without the lead of your idiot boss. And we shall be the ones with the nice piece of ass that's named Haruhee!!" the Lobelia's boss laughed.

Suddenly, the Lobelia girls were punted across the country by a large boot coming out of another helicopter. The helicopter's door opened to reveal Police Chief Asshole and Haruhi with a spotlight shining upon them.

"To protect the world from devastation!!" Police Chief Asshole shouted.

"To get my paycheck and leave this nation." Haruhi deadpanned.

"To denounce the evils of truth and love." Police Chief Asshole shouted, unphased.

"To slap my boss with a leather glove." Haruhi once again deadpanned.

"MINASAE!!" Police Chief Asshole yelled.

"Haruhi." Haruhi sighed.

"Team Fart blasts off with the speed of sound!" Police Chief Asshole shouted.

"Call us that again and I'll pound your ass into the ground." Haruhi mumbled.

"I'd like to see you try you little bitch." Police Chief Asshole replied.

"What's Haruhi doing with the presumably blind chick?" the twins asked.

"FIRE THE CANNONS!" Police Chief Asshole screamed.

"Wait what?" Kyoya yelled.

Tamaki woke up from his fever dream moments later. He looked around the headquarters to find the twins playing jenga, Hunny snorting a line of coke and Mori standing in the corner waiting for someone to appreciate him. The only question was...where was Kyoya.

A hand began stroking his face. Someone whispered, "Only dreams now." 

"Worth it." Kyoya said, as he was punted to the Bermuda Triangle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hate this so much.


	14. I Have To Pee.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was planned by Jeenius_the_Dork and written by Can_o_tuna_balism as a continuation of our "Black Butler Season 2" chapters. Even as I post this, I don't remember what this chapter is about. Have fun. 
> 
> About the chapter title: when we planned this, we were still living in the same city and we were planning it together in the library. Jeenius_the_Dork left this helpful note in the doc and we decided to make that the chapter title.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We don't own any of this shit.

(AN: With a title like that you know we’re off to a good start.)

 

Jeenius got up from the chair in the library. She had one objective. She needed to pee. 

 

To quote E.X.I.D. - the coolest girl group ever - “L.I.E.!!!!!!!” because the next thing Can_o_tuna_balism knew, Jeenius was sitting back down. 

 

“I didn’t have to pee. It was a L-Lie, L-Lie, L-Lie, eh eh,” she said.

 

You know what else is a lie? Saying that a good game of Uno DOESN’T lead to the death of a friend. (AN: We’re off to an amazing start)

 

Such was NOT the case with the Ouran High School Mafia as they played an aggressive game of Uno. Honey was coked out as usual and was this fucking close to murdering Tamaki. Possibly also Kyoya. Although he’d always wanted to kill Kyoya in cold blood. Some dreams just aren’t meant to be. (AN: Don’t worry, Honey. I’ve got you, fam.)

 

“YOU SUNK MY FUCKING BATTLESHIP.” (AN: Never mind. Fuck you.)

 

“Wrong game, Honey.”

 

“FUCK YOU, MORI. I KNOW YOU STABBED MY FATHER IN THE BACK.”

 

“Honey. I am sworn to defend the Haninozuka clan for the rest of my life. I drank the blood from the altar. I killed five children in cold blood. I sacrificed a lamb. I slaughtered it with my own two hands at the age of seven. I am in your debt. I would have never stabbed your father in the back,” Mori deadpanned. 

 

However, Mori was a roomba, so all anyone heard was  _ swish, swish, shyooom. Swish, swish, shyoom.  _ (It should be obvious to everyone reading this that I don’t actually know what a roomba sounds like and I was too lazy to look it up). (AN: The roomba says  _ I am Satan, Lord of Darkness _ )

 

“You STABBED my dad in the YARD.”

 

“CoooooOOOOOOOld blooded,” Hikaru mumbled as he lay down a blue number 7, changing the color from red to blue. No one could tell if his statement was referring to Mori stabbing Honey’s dad in the yard or if it was meant to describe his stealthy Uno game. (AN: Hey remember Octopimp? Yeah...me neither.)

 

Haruhi was wondering, not for the first time, how she’d managed to get mixed up in all this ass fuckery. 

 

Not for the first time she wondered what it would be like to be dead. To not be floating inside Kaoru’s ghost ass. She could only watch the Mafia play Uno from the outside (well… really it was the inside. The inside of a ghost ass). 

 

All of a sudden, the blind girl with the red glasses who licks things rose up out of hell. Dear god, please save us all. 

 

Every day we stray further from comprehensible fanfiction writing practices. We stray further into the waiting arms of death and crack fanfic. Every day I - Can_o_tuna_balism - die a little bit on the inside.

 

Everyone in the club screamed. 

 

Especially Kyoya. He wet himself. 

 

“SUP, F4M, C4N 1 T3LL Y0U 4B0UT H0M3STUCK?” The blind girl screeched. No volume control. None whatsoever. (AN: i fucking hate that you typed it in the Terezi quirk…)

 

More screaming. 

  
  
  
  


 

A one year old boy sits outside his house. It’s winter. He’s alone. His parents have just abandoned him to a cold, slow death. But inside his heart a fire is burning. A fire that longs for vengeance. That longs to feel his parents’ blood between his fingers. 

 

He knows that he has no way of making it to where his parents are. 

 

He doesn’t have a car. 

  
But he’s resourceful.

 

“Brian.”

 

“Yes, Stewie?”

 

“Bring me my tricycle.”

 

“Um… Stewie? Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

 

“Brian. If I wanted your opinion I’d ask. Bring me my tricycle before I have a world class tantrum so vile that it will make the devil himself quake in fear.”

 

Five minutes later, Stewie peddled with his tiny little legs down the street, using Brian like a sled dog in the snow.


	15. YaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSS DADDY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tamaki meets the love of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was planned by Can_o_tuna_balism and written by me, Jeenius. About a year ago we planned each other chapters and this was the result of one of mine.
> 
> You're welcome.
> 
> Also we own none of this shit except Police Chief Asshole.

 

Tamaki opened his eyes, finding his revolting self inside of Mori’s furry dungeon. Yes, I’m bringing this shit back again and I still fucking hate myself for it. The pathetic mafia boss gagged catching a whiff of blood, sweat and tears (AN: BTS thirst game strong)(tbh I literally didn't mean to do that.) coming from a fursuit that looked suspiciously a lot like Garfield.

 

Something rustled in the corner. A large dark figure flashed across the room, knocking over another fursuit. Tamaki shrieked in fear, wetting himself once again. The last thing he remembered was the scent of chicken nuggets and onions filling his nostrils just before he was knocked out (AN: I can’t believe my plan is finally coming to fruition). 

 

His body drifted through space-time. Dinosaurs, sharks and robots pass by him, shining lasers all throughout the void of space. Some strange man wearing blue spandex with a Star of David (AN: ???) (It's a Ninja Sex Party reference) and a very angry looking ninja float by. The ninja tried to stab Tamaki, only to be stopped by the man in the spandex. 

 

Tamaki continued to float through space. An angsty man with a tiny head and huge body picked Tamaki up into his spaceship asking him to join the dark side. Tamaki didn’t know what that meant, thus was booted out into space once again.

 

A rainbow farting unicorn appeared, taking Tamaki onto its back. As it sharted rainbows further into the void of space, the unicorn turned its head to the understandably confused blonde. 

 

“Do not worry, Suoh Tamaki. All your questions will be answered soon.  _ He’s  _ waiting for you,” the unicorn said.

 

“Who is he?” Tamaki asked.

 

“Not he.  _ He _ .” the unicorn corrected.

 

“Fine. Who is  _ He _ ?” Tamaki asked.

 

The unicorn turned its head back to the front, approaching a green swirly wormhole. “Ogre-sama,” it whispered.

 

Upon entering the wormhole Tamaki lost consciousness once again. When it returned to him, Tamaki was once again in a dungeon, lying on a table. This time it was not Mori’s furry dungeon so it’s a step up from before. A large dark figure stood in the corner, facing away from Tamaki (AN: I’m SCREEEEEEAAAAAMMMMIIIIIIIINNNNNGGG).

 

The mafia boss took a whiff of the air and once again smelled chicken nuggets and onions. It’s the scent of Ogre-sama (AN: fuck. me. uuuuuuuuUUUPPP). “Who are you?” he asked.

 

Ogre-sama turned around. He held a bucket in his large, meaty hands. Ogre-sama twirled towards Tamaki (reminding him of some girls he knew...who they were he couldn’t quite remember.) (AN: god damn Lobelia). Ogre-sama’s twirl ended in a pink-tinted spotlight. Now that Ogre-sama was much closer, Tamaki could finally see what he truly looked like (AN: aka - beautiful).

 

Ogre-sama had no hair, his large egg-like head glistened in the pink spotlight. His eyes were the same colour as that nice piece of ass in his mafia. Haruhi would love him one day. 

 

Ogre-sama was not a small petite boy like Tamaki. He was a large thicc man, much like one of the other loves of Tamaki’s life, Arin Hanson (AN: please stop)(Never.). In Tamaki’s eyes Ogre-sama was perfect.

 

“Hey now...you’re an All Star.” Ogre-sama whispered in his manly, beautiful Scottish accent.

 

Tamaki immediately creamed his pants. (AN: me too, quite honestly)

 

The contents of the bucket were dumped onto Tamaki’s pale, hideous, naked body. To no one’s surprise, the bucket contained onions. As the onions touched Tamaki, the onions turned into onion rings. Everyone, including the authors, are unsure about how this worked. (AN: not even a little. A perfectly reasonable, 100% plausible scientific explanation will be given in the next chapter). 

 

Was the implication that Tamaki is so hot that he fired onions on contact? Are the authors high on crack? Is this another one of Kyoya’s porno fanfictions? You, dear readers, will never know. (AN: except you will. Next chapter). 

 

Tamaki picked one of the onions rings off his chest and popped it into his mouth. The onion rings taste like heaven. If he wasn’t part of a mafia he swore an angel would have enveloped him into a tender embrace and carried him off into the sunset. 

 

“Come with me, laddie. I’ll bring you to a place where all theatre folk are forgotten.” Ogre-sama said, pulling Tamaki up into a standing position.

 

“But Ogre-sama, I’m not wearing pants,” Tamaki whispered.

 

That was not an issue for Ogre-sama.

 

The next thing Tamaki knew, he was floating down a river in a gondola with Ogre-sama. He was dressed in a pink frilly dress holding a matching parasol. 

 

Tamaki looked up into the sky. MLG signs and old memes flashed back at him. The song X Gonna Give it To Ya played in the background. Somewhere in the distance Tamaki saw the figure of Deadpool dancing to the song (AN: uuuuggghh the new movie is goooood).

 

Looking back down at the river, Tamaki saw that the river was in fact made of Mountain Dew™. He wasn’t sure how he hadn’t noticed the vibrant green colour and distinct smell of Mountain Dew™ assaulting his tender nostrils. (I don’t actually drink Mountain Dew so I have no idea what it smells like.) (AN: can confirm. It’s made out of neckbeard sweat. Tangy yet flavorful) (that's fucking disgusting…)

 

The river bank was made up of crushed Cheeto dust, and the bushes were Cool Ranch Doritos. At this point Tamaki was sure he was brought into Heaven by an angel. There was no way something this amazing would ever happen in the land of the living. 

 

Ogre-sama leaned towards Tamaki, caressing his creamy hamstrings with large girthy hands. He whispered seductively in Tamaki’s ear. “Jimin...you’ve got no jams.” (AN: AAAAAHHHHHH).

 

A few feet in front of Tamaki and Ogre-sama the water started to bubble. With a large splash an enraged Park Jimin burst out of the water, screaming profanities left and right. Kim Namjoon appeared by the river bank, attempting to toss a container full of chicken nuggets into the river. He shuddered, listening to the words Jimin continued to scream. Namjoon had no one to blame but himself for this one.

 

Tamaki screamed loudly. The rest of the host mafia gathered around their incompetent leader, looking at him with concern (or in Kyoya’s case thirst.) Looking around, Tamaki saw his true love wasn’t in the room with him. Ogre-sama had disappeared, along with all of Tamaki’s hopes and dreams. 

 

“No...Ogre-sama, my love. Where have you gone?” Tamaki cried.

 

“Well at least he’s ignoring me…” Haruhi whispered, taking a hit from her bubble pipe off in the other side of the warehouse.

 

“HARUHI! You must tame my insatiable love for Ogre-sama, right now!” Tamaki yelled, tripping over his own legs trying to get to Haruhi while simultaneously trying to remove his pants (AN: excuse me?)

 

“Motherfucker…” Haruhi whispered, slamming face first into the wall.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Just as a side-note/moment of appreciation. We planned this fanfiction and wrote a lot of it at the public library. This is the kind of trash we are.


End file.
